There really is NOTHING like Australia
http://www.nothinglikeaustralia.com/index.htm
I hope you watched that. Above is the latest "campaign ad" to lure foreigners suffering a financial crisis to our lands.
At the website for "There's nothing like Australia" there has been a call for everyday (read: drunk, narcissistic and deluded) Aussies to submit there own images that live up to the new slogan. If you browse the website, there is the usual crop of barefoot bikini clad airheads and beaches, but I feel the REAL Australia isn't being represented, so I'm taking the lead.
I have no idea if I'm taking the lead or not, but I'm claiming it.
*CLEARS THROAT*
Ahhhh, Australia - There is NOTHING LIKE IT!
... where else can one take in a lovely beach...
... AND be part of racial violence?
...Where else can an idiot become a laughing stock...
...AND still be paid?
And where else can one witness a member of a democratic party....
...behaving like a post Orwellian, gerbil stuffing, white trash despot?
Ahhh, yes It is Australia! Come one, come all! We welcome people from every land and ethnicity to our multicultural society!
SO, Where the bloody hell are you? Get your arse over here and stop sooking you fuckin' fairy!
THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE IT!
- db
2010: PREPARE FOR SUCK!
It's time for a sequel!
A year ago I posted a blog entitled "resolutions are for ‘tards" in which I listed a bunch of resolutions.... seemingly because I'm a 'tard....
To my surprise some of them are still relevant today, in fact one of them is front page news! Yep, I am that smart. The resolution was made for my fellow Melburnians:
Promise you will not be surprised that the Myki System is: Over budget, Not released, cumbersome, broken, a bad idea and all around FUBAR.
I'm not sure if people are surprised, but MyKi was launched yesterday, over budget, three years late and guess what? It doesn't work! With an election year coming up I sure hope Lynne Kosky has her resume in order - my crystal ball can see a public speaking job in her future.
But that's last year - what about this one?
2009 was a year to forget. Many years can fit that description but this one was really - REALLY bad.
It didn't start out too bad, in January Barack Obama was sworn in as President among much fanfare. As a dizzying high as that was, it was really all downhill from there.
The wrongly titled "Global Financial Crisis" really broke in early February and markets around the world began to free fall. Corporations and banks began to panic, here in Australia major banks froze big ticket accounts to stop people getting empty their accounts - unsuprisingly the Australian Government, used to grabbing it's ankles, did nothing.
Interest rates were slashed to all time lows, a legitimate loan was harder to come by than a liberal in Mississippi - it was chaos. Massive Job slashes across the Western world uncertainty and fear were rampant.
In early February Victoria also saw the worst of nature and of tabloid journalism when the Black Saturday bushfire's wiped King Lake and Marysville off the map, hundreds died - it was a human tragedy.
By mid year the full extent of the "GFC" was known Europe and the United States entered am economic depression and there was no end in sight. In Australia fears of entering a recession caused the government to give every taxpayer in the previous financial year - living or not - $900 to spend on... well anything they wanted. People were urged not to pay bills with it, but to spend it at the stores to boost the economy. I got an IPhone and the scheme worked, by the 3rd quarter, however, it was deemed premature and probably unnecessary. Australia who has most of it's economic ties with Asia found that the "GFC" wasn't really a "GFC". Asia and Australia would go technically and comparability unscathed. In the early 90's Australia's recession was dubbed "the recession we had to have" this year the feared recession was comically dubbed "the recession we never had" .
The second half of the year saw notable people drop like flies from the King of Pop, Punk Icons to the real life "Rain Man" and celebrity starletts.
The last quarter of the year also saw disillusionment set in for the Global Environmental movement, which has been steadily growing since around 2004. The people told their Governments the environment matters, the of course ignored the people or payed them lip service - but when it looked like it could cause economic turmoil a lot sooner than predicted a mass meeting was held in Copenhagen the world watched as the fruits of our incessant bitching would be turned into a unilateral agreement of action. It was exciting until they started talking. A week of talk and in the end it was unilaterally agreed that Global Warming is a problem and carbon emissions should be cut.
That was about it. Go Government! Woo!
Around the same time in Australia Stephen Conroy - a douche I have been berating here on The Opinionation for the better part of a year - said that he would go ahead with placing mandatory moral filters on the Internet. This caused an outrage as evidenced on Twitter under the hash tag "#nocleanfeed".
Of course I'm missing other big events like the Iran election among others but, you'll get over it.
So 2009 was a pretty crappy year. So what is to look forward to in 2010?
Nothing good it seems.
- In Febuary world leaders will reconvene to try to agree to a plan to combat human caused climate change. Nothing will happen.
- Victorian Politics will heat up, with the government planning to raise the price of an average pack of cigarettes to $20. As I mentioned on a previous blog :
Socioeconomic status is known to be strongly associated with many health conditions and health risk factors, and this is particularly true of tobacco smoking. The rate of smoking is much higher in areas of socioeconomic disadvantage.
After adjusting for age differences, 33% of men and 28% of women in the most disadvantaged areas reported being daily smokers, compared to 16% of men and 11% of women in the most advantaged areas…
Trying to tax the poor in the interest of health? Good luck with that in an election year.
- Although the economic crisis is over across the globe, the little people like us won't know about it for a while yet. The economic comeback will be slowed due to lack of investor confidence. And with the Australian Reserve want to up the interest rate as quickly as they cut it, to balance out the Governments spending, watch the number of mortgage defaults skyrocket thus exposing the rental crisis when people can't find homes.
- Australian federal politics will also hit boiling point as Australians get angry that in the upcoming Federal election we will have to choose between a conservative right wing twat and a center right wing censorship kingpin. Hopefully this will give to the rise of the Greens and the comeback of the Democrats - but will most likely end in political atrophy.
- Overseas, Obama will try to get his health care reform through, which as it's now bust the debate stage will pass as the majority of the public would want affordable or in some cases free healthcare.
- The ironically self titled "Teabaggers" will find out why the world laughs at them when they Google search the term "teabagging". They will probably change their name to something less funny like "The Job Rimmers".
2010 will be known as "The year of the suck". It's hard to be this pessimistic, but there really isn't anything to look forward to - with the exception of the Large Hadron Collider.
My resolution for this coming year is for everyone, everywhere around the world:
Buckle up, and prepare for the suck
Happy New Year and all that, now go and binge drink then drive become a statistic! Just stay away from me and mine when you do.
-db
Xmas cancelled…again
Dear All,
It is with deep regret I inform you that Chrismas has been cancelled for the second year in a row. As you should know, last year the tough economic environment caused Santa to shut up shop for a year and to his dismay, sell some of his reindeers for meat. After Obama was sworn in Santa recieved his share of the bailout money - and by changing his companies name from "Christmas" to "Xmas" he was able to avoid tax repercussions.
After a few months of restocking and rehiring of little people (they gotta work somewhaere) it appeared that 2009 would see the normal output of gifts and joy from Santa's home in the north pole. In September this year, when taking his new reindeer for a test takeoff he noticed his runway was a little shorter than last year. Not dettered he went about his business.
By late October his runway was almost completly gone. Thats right folks, Santa's iceberg appeared to be melting. Santa, being the resourceful guy he is, ordered some of his fairy assistants to sprinkle some of their magic dust on the land and grow it out, but alas the fairies had none. This again, normally wouldn't be a problem until Santa found the key ingredient in the fairy dust is unrefined oil - which was selling for almost $100 a barrel at the time.
With only a few months to go Ol' Saint Nick had to do something - he decided to overhaul his entire operation to run smaller, faster and cheaper. He replaced three of his flying mammals with the latest hybrid models and ordered all elves to work longer hours without breaks. Needless to say a few failed takeoffs and elf strikes later it was December and Santa hadn't even got around to even making his list. To sum up the entire botched operation a few days ago his annual letter drop landed in the water an estimated 2 kilometres off his new, shorter coastline.
The incredible mis-calculation was due to the unseasonable and un predictable srtong West to North Westerly winds. Santa couldn't recall a time when these winds hit in Winter.
At a small press conference yesterday Santa reluctantly said that although he will meet his shopping mall appearence obligations, this year he would be unable to produce the goods on the Jewish guy's birthday...again.
When questioned if he felt his current circumstance could be due to Global Warming and Climate change, Santa laughed and said he didn't believe in bad science and could see no connection between the rising sea temperature and the vanishing of his iceberg. Santa mentioned that he will spend the rest of his summer fising off his coast as new fresh water fish have appeare in the traditionally salty waters - a process he says is completly natural despite him never witnessing it before.
Mrs Claus was not available for comment but is said to be "Ropeable" at her husbands "inability to see reason".
Happy Holidays everyone!
Lets hope Santa gets it together for 2010!
-db
Tigerrrrrrr
@JamesBeattie: Now that Tiger has earned himself a bit of street cred, will we see a hip hop album sometime soon?
@danebraddy: I heard his new single is called "(She hit me) Wid da Club"
@danebraddy: And the album title? "Mambo Par. 5" or "Mulligan?"
Seriously though, Why the hell do we care?
As far as I'm concerned if I had his money and "power" I'd do exactly the same thing. And why are we surprised? Are we that sexually oppressed and depressed that we find it shocking that a guy had possibly hot sex with HOT chicks?
This week our leaders are attending a summit on the most important issue we face today and all we can talk about is a sports star cheating on his wife?
I hop I never have to make a post like this ever again.
-db
The Opinionation Presents: The roasting of Dane Braddy
There are alot of things in my life that I have not done:
1. Swam with dophins
2. Been to New York
3. Attended a roast
The idea of a roast is brilliant. Basically you pick a "friend", celebrate all the good they have done and then proceed
to bag the crap out of them and mention every embarassing story you can remember.
Here is my roast to Dane Braddy
For those of you are unaware (or don't know how to stalk someone on the internet) today is Mr.Braddy's birthday.
24 years and 9 months ago today, Dane's parents were buck naked in the kitchen playing with whipped cream and a midget.
The result...A insecure man, who does not like to cook...and barely tolerates midgets.
I have had the mild discomfort(like a UTI) of knowing Dane for 3 years now.
The fist sentence I ever muttered to Dane was: "He just shaved them off? One swipe and gone with the nipples?"
And thus the friendship was born. Through brief interactions during the next few months I discovered that he does not get
filtered out through my "bullshit" filter, so he must be an alright guy.
Here is a list of things I discovered Dane and I have in common:
1. A lack of faith in government
2. A distrust and hate of organised religion
3. Zero tolerance for ignorance or stupidity
4. A smoking habit
5. His girlfriend (that's right, I slept with her...oh she'll deny it...but it happened)
In the 3 years I have known Dane I have had a chance to discover things about him. Useless information that is filling my brain, preventing relevant information from being absorbed. Information such as, he has a claw machine habit. Why does a 24 year old man STILL play the claw machine? Man up and move onto pokie machines like every other person did.
I also know that his humor is lost on a lot of people. He has some gem's every now and again and they just sail over people's heads. I feel for the man. He's talent is unappreciated. I mean, it must be hard for him to be compared to me all the time. Obviously I'm the funny one in this duo, but we can't let that distract us from the fact that he's a funny guy.
He's also lazy, so if I mention this funny cartoon series we should have "coming to the nearest Opinionation near you" then hopefully he'll get off his butt and start production.
That's right Dane...YOU'RE LAZY.
While Dane does poses a complete lack of faith in the human race, his love for animals is endless (not in a dirty way).
He can find an animal cute even when the rest of the populate find the animal butt ugly. He would rather eat nothing but rice and water for a week and let a dog eat gourmet dog food, then let the animal starve. I do question why this love cannot cross over to humans, but then I think "what do I care". So kudos for loving the ugly animals that no one else can love.
So Dane, I say to you...Thanks for the last 3 years....Here's to 3 more (6 years of you is enough, I'll be skipping the country if you talk to me after that)
-ms
Lest we forget has been brought to you by…
Last week, the Australian Government and directors of the Australian War Memorial announced that the Last Post, which is played daily at the Memorial will be sponsored by a commercial entity.
There has been some outcry over this, but it certainly hasn’t been a shitstorm. This is probably due to the media not making a big deal of it and the fact that we GenY people “got no respect”.
It makes me wonder what the requirements were, if any, to become a sponsor.
For the sake of ironic-gold-you-couldn’t-make-up, I would have loved to have the last post joint sponsored by Volkswagen and Nissan.
Speaking of requirements, could someone tell me how in the hell the “Morrow” bar became a Cadbury Favorite?
What are their requirements to be named a favorite?
For those who haven’t had the experience of a Morrow bar, it’s basically a Mars bar with the unique ability to taste like shit wrapped in chocolate. Favorite my ass.
I promised myself that if I could keep this post short, I’d reward myself with some positive reinforcement.
That’ll do Dane, That’ll do.
-db
2 Cool 4 Skool
I have fond memories of school.
I remember getting in trouble. Most people do, but I find that I got in trouble for worse things than other kids.
Once, In the third grade I flashed my MASSIVE dong at a group of girls. Despite the way I talk, an action like this is completely out of character for me and for the life of me I can't remember why I did it. I do remember, however, the Vice Principle seeing me and pulling me in and giving me an earful. I think my excuse was that I was scratching it, which in hindsight wasn't much of an excuse at all.
In the fifth grade, a friend of mine gave me a floppy disk full of porn - that's right a FLOPPY disk FULL.
I remember that the now standard JPEG format couldn't be opened in Win 3.1, so I used a program called...uhhh what was it?...oh yeah Graphic Workshop to convert them to BMP format so it would auto open in Paint.
My friend an I then saw the business potential in this, and being young and optimistic - we seized the opportunity. If someone supplied a floppy and gave us $@ (that's $1 each) I would place the photos on the floppy for them. For added protection, I renamed the files to innocuous ones like "tweety.bmp", "roadrunner.bmp", "bugsbunny.bmp" etc.
Business was good until, someone didn't have the money. We refused to do it for him so he did what any other ten year old would. He screamed not fair at a teacher.
Sigh... The jig was up. I turned on the water works and claimed that I thought they were Looney Tunes pictures and that I never saw them and it was the other kids idea.
They had to tell my parents - the bastards - and I remember having a really awkward conversation with my Dad that night. It was mortifying.
My Dad did I good job he explained the "ins and outs" (PUN!), and then asked if I had any questions.
For the record I fucking HATE it when people ask if I have any questions. I always feel the pressure to ask one, as if it would be rude not to.
I was started to sweat, well 10 year olds don't sweat but still- you get the picture, I asked "How do condoms work?"
I didn't care how they worked, I just knew that "condom" was a word associated with sex. Dad took a second and to his credit, explained it to me.
Again in hindsight, I'm sure this "chat" wasn't comfortable for him either.
The thing I miss most about school was the first day of the year. The entire school would be pulled into the gymnasium for the "opening speech" by the principle.
I don't remember any of the speeches being inspirational but every single one involved the phrase "Your parents aren't here to clean up after you".
It would then be at least fifteen minutes of veiled threats and boundary setting.
Sure, the first year of highschool you took it seriously. It even scared you a little. But as the years wore on it seemed more and more funny to me. I always thought that maybe the teachers never got enough time off and bought all the stress from the last year into the next. I also always wanted them to do a straight "say what you mean version" of their "pep talk".
"Now listen here you little shits - if I catch one, JUST ONE of you asswipes smoking in a school uniform you will be wearing my fucking boot for he rest of your goddamn life!"
I miss school. I really do.
If you have any memories of school trouble or even the start of year speech please leave a comment.
If you feel the need to point out that I was perverted from the age of eight, you can do that to.
If you know a friend who would like a USB disk filled with porn with filenames of Simpsons characters - tell them to hit me up. Only $2.
-db
GRAND FINALS FEVER
Guess what people...I don't follow football (AFL to all those reading interstate and internationally)
From the media SATURATION of AFL lately I can only assume that the grand final is soon.
There is a lot I don't understand about the game, but the main point I don't get is: Why are there footballers on my television saying "We're not saying don't drink....we're saying THINK".
Now I'll admit I've been absent lately..but I'm back. Back like a bad case of herpes and twice as irritating.
In my absence I've had time to read the paper.
I've noticed a few trends it the articles....People seem to be getting drunk and beating each other to death.
This is media worthy (finally they got it right) what I don't understand is what has this got to do with football?
Has this all stemmed from the one horrific bashing?
Luke was a footballer. Not one of the AFL guys, just a local footballer kinda guy. From what I understand he was talented and could be a "player" one day. But are we now only concerned about the attitude of "let's go out, get drunk and beat the life out of someone" because a footballer was involved?
There was very little media coverage of the police officer who was bashed in the CBD in August
However today a Geelong football player (again local...not AFL level) was punched and killed BY HIS OWN TEAM MATE
And I know that this story will be across the papers for the next few days.
Now before you send the hate mail my way, I think it's disgusting that these incidents occur. There is no fathomable excuse for the acts to happen.
What I'm questioning is the timing of the "awareness" of these incidents.
The alcohol and violence issue that is "plaguing" Melbourne at the moment apparently is out of control.
I say "apparently" because I don't venture into the city at night. Not because of the drunk people...because of the weird people (possibly related).
I believe that the "issue" has been going on for quite some time, I just think that since so many footballers have been involved in these incidents recently, the media has found a 'hook' and has started to report the trend.
For the sake of my sanity I hope I'm incorrect.
Look, I have this ability to drink LARGE amounts of alcohol. I mean RIDICULOUS amounts of alcohol. but in all my drinking experiences I've never had the urge to beat the life out of someone.
I've managed to get myself into heated "discussions" with people, but it's never turned physical.
That's because I have the ability to talk my way out of stupid situations.
The recent PSA's about "looking after a mate" are quite accurate. I'll actually applaud the state government for this advertising campaign. If you're drunk and want to act like a douche bag, fine...but do it at home.
Don't ruin someone else’s night.
Where were the friends of these morons who decided to get into a fight? I'm not excusing the douchebags that kill people, I just think there should be more accountability from everyone. Are the friends of the 'killer' at fault as well?
I know we all have independent thought. But if someone "independently thought" to beat the life out of an innocent by stander, surely that person is out with friends who could have said "fuck off and go sit in the corner".
Another point I don't quite understand. Are these violent attacks occurring because we're drinking more?
I don't believe we are.
I mean, we have more reason to:
- House prices are going up
- Job security is gone (thanks GFC)
- Population density is increasing
But I don't think we are drinking more (guess I could research this further...CDF)
Are we acting out (on innocent people) because we are losing control of our own situations?
I do honestly believe that this generation has a lot more to worry about the previous generations. I also believe that this generation is not mature enough to deal with the issues they have inherited. Lack of maturity is no excuse for acting out and hurting others.
So...I guess my point is:
1. I'm bewildered that a human being can kill and destroy the life of another human being
2. I'm disappointed that the media are using Footballers to convey a safe drinking message
3. I'm saddened that we NEED footballers to convey a safe drinking message to the general public
-ms
Worst. Movie. Ever.
This is just a little mini opinionation for the moment, but please do not be disheartened! I have resigned from my crappy job and the new job I have allows me more time to focus on things in the opinionationsphere!
I promise things will start moving again very soon.
Well, things moving that I'm pushing.
For a list of things Mandy could be doing at the moment, please refer to this previous post.
I watched a movie last night; a movie that I am quite certain is the worst movie I have ever seen.
You know how some movies are so bad that they are almost... good?
Well this wasn't one of those. This movie was so bad that it angered me more than watching A Current Affair or the "News"
I am referring to the aptly titled: Disaster Movie
Now I didn't exactly go into this movie with high hopes of anything intelligent or clever, I have watched Epic Movie and Date Movie and almost sat through the entire trailer of Superhero Movie, so I knew what I was getting into.
After sitting through this...this... thing, I wanted to get a plane to Hollywood so I could meet one of the writers and break their hands, so they would never write again.
I tweeted about this a little bit but it didn't end there, I found myself thinking about how bad this movie was, I tried to laugh about how bad it was, but I couldn't - it was just... terrible.
I didn't giggle, laugh or even crack a smile throughout the ENTIRE EXPERIENCE.
This blog isn't exactly helping to exercise my hatred of this waste of space, but I would like to know if:
a) I'm alone
and
b) Do you know a movie that could be worse than it?
If you haven't seen the movie DON'T.
If you do anyway DO NOT SAY YOU WEREN'T WARNED.
If you are dumb enough to purchase a DVD of this crap after reading this, I suggest you try your hardest to offload it to someone else.
I would suggest that one illegally procure it, but you would be better off downloading 2girls1cup 75 times and watching it, at least it will hold your attention and has some resemblance of a plot.
I am so mad right now, I want an apology from everyone involved with the production of what I believe is THE 100% WORST MOVIE EVER.
- db
Bloated And Useless
I love the English language.
With all it's complexities, nuances and... stuff... it truly is a wonder of the world.
Mandy has mentioned on a previous occasion the words she wants stricken from the language - I wouldn't go that far. I just want one acronym removed from the vocalsphere.
The acronym has been said in my presence only a few times, but it has become so etched in my brain that whenever I hear it, warning alarms sound in my brain at such a level that my head throbs, skin chills and muscles tense.
That phrase?
B.A.U
It seems so harmless doesn't it? So non threatening, almost cute, but for any person working for a living it is the symbol of a loss of job security.
If middle-management types were smart they would use this phrase in more situations to lessen it's harshness when used in a "serious" way.
"Hey Bob, the Giants were great last night, they got it done B.A.U!"
"You know Lucy from accounting? Yeah well she was so good it was like B.A.U for her..."
"I took the laxative and from then on in, it was B.A.U"
For those not in "the know" B.A.U stands for Business as Usual. If you manager or superior ever says the phrase in any official capacity - it's time to find another job.
Managers usually say something like:
"Look, I know as much as you do and as far as I am concerned it's B.A.U"
Which roughly translates to the following:
"Holy Shit, If I told you guys the truth that I TOTALLY know you would all quit leaving us shorthanded for next couple of months, please just keep working...yesssssss...gooood llleeemmmiinnnggsssssss"
Make no mistake, the person that makes a point of not knowing DOES know something.
they have been told by someone more important to them to lie to you in exchange for:
a) A new job
b) A fantastic reference
c)A cash bonus
d) the window seat on the way to hell
e) all of the above
They have lied to/mislead/screwed you because transition takes time if you were informed, you would leave - or at least not work as hard.
The big problem is that all Managers will then repeat "B.A.U" ad nausea thinking they are calming the troops before the surge - and the more they say it, the closer the cutoff time is.
Another sign that you are in in trouble is that you'll be doing "B.A.U" with the added task of writing down all your knowledge of your job. They will tell you to write it in "baby steps" for training purposes. They just won't tell you it will be used to train the underpaid third-world worker that is going to replace you.
So remember Lemmings - B.A.U, B.A.U, B.A.U*
-db
*Be a shrub in the Taxus genus???