Office Politics
I'm not one who is concerned with office politics. Really I don't have the time or the patience for it. I want to show up to work, do my job and leave. This "work" thing is an 8 hour nuisance that gets in the way of my social life, but I need to do it as it funds my social life.
Apparently there are people in this world (and my office) who are not content to let me do my thing and want to disrupt it with "office politics". Now from this title we can break down office employees to countries of the world.
Me, I'm more like France, I don't poke my nose into peoples business, but I want you to save my ass and defend me if I get roped into some great office war.
There are people in the office who act like the USA, they are the over bearing type who believe it's their way or no way, and feel they must "liberate you from the axis of evil (your way)".
Then there are people in the office like Australia and Britain. That is, there are people who will follow the "USA" and not stop and form their own opinion about a situation.
There are also people like Germany, they sit in the background preaching about how the situations should be handled, but do not jump into the war (I guess they've learnt their lessons from previous encounters with the US)
And of course there is the UN, that is upper management who are put there to look good but really have no bearing in the office politics.
Now I know not everyone is a big fan of France, however the country is the best analogy I can come up with that suits my situation. So lets pretend for the rest of the rant that we like the snooty nosed, snail eating, hairy armpit, smelly French.
Now imagine, France is plodding along doing it's normal routine, not having a care in the world and just getting on with its job. What would you do if the US came barging in, claiming there had been a breach of security and that France must be punished? France was sitting there quietly, France was not doing anything that hadn't been done before. But then the USA in all of it's right winged Christian psycho babble self righteousness comes along and claims that France fucked up. WTF? Fuck off USA, France was a country long before you were, so don't think you know all the rules of the world.
Now if the USA attempted to hold peace keeping talks, would you listen? France did, and France did not like what it heard. What France heard was "this will suck for France, but this will make the USA look GREAT to the UN"
France did not like this. France decided to put an embargo on the USA. France would talk to the USA about world issues, and France would utilise the USA if it needed, but the USA was now a sanctioned country.
France was happy for life to continue like this, but the USA had other ideas. The USA thought it would be fun to tell the UN that France has a bad attitude (see Attitudism). WTF does the UN care if France is happy or not? It's France...it's full of pretention and arrogance. It's also full of the worlds greatest art. It's a balance people can deal with.
So France had to step outside of the world for a quick smoko one day and was approached by Britain. The French and British have a history, they've bailed each other out of wars before and they've lived to see another day. Sure they're not GREAT neighbours, but they both don't want to see each other invaded, because they know they're next.
So imagine Frances surprise when Britain says "We have some intelligence that says to watch your back, we think the USA is after you". How is France supposed to react to this? France's first reaction was "ehhh, I'm too tired for this political crap" but then France thought about it some more. While France DESPISES the politics, France also has a reputation to uphold. France isn't going to take this lying down. And besides, the last time France left it till the 11th hour to do something they were invaded by the Germans.
So France has taken the first strike. France went to the UN. Well not really. France went to a janitor at the UN. But France has a vague understanding of how the UN works, and France knows that the janitor cleans the toilets of some high up people.
And by going to the janitor, France has keep it's situation unofficial, but on the UN radar.
France really does despise the office politics. If you need to participate in office politics, obviously you have a very limited social life. If this is the case I suggest you step away from the computer and go out into the world. Granted the world is full of assholes, your bound to find one or two people that you'll be able to tolerate for long periods of time. And if you go out into this big wide world, maybe you will resolve that 30yr old virgin thing you have going on (USA). Really, if you turn the internet off, your chances of getting laid increase exponentially.
So in closing, France does not want to hear any more of this office politics. If office politics do need to go on, leave France out. And France wishes the USA gets laid, maybe then the world will be a happier place.
Now Fuck off and "Lassaimi a pas"
(that's French for leave me alone)
-ms
FWD:
The birth of the post gave way to the rise of the letter. The birth of the Internet gave way to the rise of Email. The rise of email gave birth to the era of the FWD and the era of the FWD brought forward a new set of social rules.Since the very first FWD there have been basic rules and the rules are simple: Choose your FWDs wisely, Only FWD to those wanting to be FWDed and remember the golden rule: Do unto others what blah blah blah - you get the picture.The rules are clear and the rules are right, however, there has been a shift in social interactions when it comes to FWDs.Make no mistake people, a FWD can ruin your life.
This subject can get very sticky and enter a lot of grey areas, but someone had to go there or here... or whatever.
This first part of a FWD that is looked at (other that the subject) is not the content, it is the To: field. The Majority of the time we are not interested in what is being said but who it's being said to. Not only can it be disastrous having people look at your "FWD List" critically ("Why is he talking to HER?", "I HATE that guy now in turn I hate the sender!") but having the wrong order can really turn a harmless blond joke into the catalyst for the end of social life as you know it. Imagine the explaining that would have to be done if when your girlfriend finds that attractive coworkers name not only ahead of their own, but ahead of your best friends? What does that say about her? And what if the office jerk is ahead of your favourite coworker? That would mean you thought of the jerk before you thought of them! And imagine if - forbid- someone found themselves added LAST, like an afterthought or worse yet, a token inclusion on the fun!
When FWDs grew in popularity way back in the nineties there was an initial backlash. Now they are on the rise again. So what changed between nineteen ninety what and now? The personalisation of the FWD. This is a process where the sender removes any trace of the former FWDs by remover old To fields and signatures creating a fresh copy, and there is nothing more special than feeling like you are the first to see this gem of comedy. The opposite of this feeling comes when you see a FWD arrive in your email that has a dreaded start to the subject line."FWD:FWD:blah blah blah". The double FWD indicates two things. 1. This has been FWD'd before and 2. The sender didn't deem you special enough to reformat the recycled piece of junk, stereotyping dung. The people who double FWD without reformatting are the same people who spit on the graves on babies with aids. I shit you not - it's the truth.
Further on from reformatting is the dangerous practice of reFWDing. This is risky business and the payoff potentially can be huge, but you must remain vigilant. When receiving a funny FWD some people during the reformatting process like to change the wording of a joke or story and claim it is there own - I know, please hold your shock. This practise is nothing new and when pulled off correctly the reFWD can make you a hero, a champion of wit and irresistible to the opposite sex (or same sex if it suits you). Fail, however, and results are catastrophic beyond normal human comprehension. You must observe who the original sender has sent to and make sure you do NOT send it to the same people. If possible ensure you don't send it to the same group of people. If the joke and or story if good enough for a reFWD it's good enough to tell over dinner. You need to make sure there are at least 3 degrees of separation between you and the people retelling the gold. One needs to make sure when you the question "who came up with that?" your name is nowhere near it once your name is attached the likelihood of them discovering you ripped off a John Cleese joke increases exponentially in relation to the amount of times retold. When it fails reFWDing spirals out of control, and once discovered the reFWDer loses it all, the fame, the respect, the mortgage, the car, the job. They become a drifter and a tramp. This isn't melodrama - it's real life baby.
The art of the reFWD deserves it's own post really, however, there is one very important rule. Don't send the reFWD to the person that originally sent you the FWD. It's just embarrassing for all involved.
The are solutions to all pitfalls when it comes to FWDing. For example to avoid any awkward situations with the order of recipients, list them alphabetically - then the alphabet is discriminating people not you. It's the alpha-safe-bet. Of course the best way to avoid being embarrassed in a FWD is request not to receive them and more importantly - do not fucking send them. But if you follow this post, or guide if you will, you should be fine.
That is not a promise.
-db
Anti-Social Networking Site
Hello.
My name is Dane and I’m an anti-social.
If someone were to ask me if I would rather go out to dinner with people I get along with or stay home and play Xbox. I would choose Xbox.
If someone were to ask me if I would rather go out to dinner with people I get along with or stay home and stare at the wall. I would choose the wall. No contest.
Oh yeah, I'm also a bit of a geek. (apparently)
For years, in fact I would be so bold even to say, since the beginning of time the labels “anti-social” and geek were interchangeable, they were like fat people and sugar, they were lke midgets and step ladders and they were like Managers and brown lips.
In short they were a couple that when seen together, they made the rest of the universe breathe a sigh of relief. There was order. There was peace.
Then in 1969 some
It is not enough any more to avoid people in real life but, now I must avoid them in "virtual" life.
The worst part is that if you say you don’t use social networking, people naturally assume that you’re lying and just don’t want to play Scrabulus with them.
If it isn’t already painfully clear. I do not have a
Social Networking profile. Nor do I plan on acquiring one.On a side note, I know people who have them and they even update the “mood” indicator. Who the hell came up with that idea anyway? And do we really think that the mood on the “mood indicator” actually represents the mood of the narcissistic loser we are reading about?
No.
Because if the narcissistic loser you are reading about is the same as the narcissistic loser I’m reading about they only report the mood they want you to see. They WANT you to ask them why they're angry, they WANT you to ask them to cheer up, they WANT your attention.
And most of all, I believe, they WANT me to troll their site and tell everyone I know to laugh at their emo pictures that they place in PUBLIC FOLDERS.
To repeat an earlier point I am not a member of a SN site.
Then agin what is going to stop me from creating one? One for my type of person! A community site that I can finally feel I belong to.
Ladies and Gentlemen I present:
That's right everybody, finally a place to hide from everybody!
Avoid your co-workers, avoid your parents and most of all avoid the propagators of "attitudism"!
The site is revolutionary in the way that it allows the user to create a profile, customise it to their hearts content and when they publish their profile the address is kept hidden - even from them!
This allows them to avoid any uncomfortable situations!
For example:
Boss: Hey valued employee! I want to show you pictures of my incredibly hot girlfriend! you should add me as a friend on Facebook!Employee #100567: Oh, I'm not on Facebook, I'm on YOURabyss!
Boss: Really? What is your profile name?Employee #100567: You know what? I honestly have no idea!
Boss: Damn! What ever happened to usability testing?
Each YOURabyss profile has a friends list - with a twist!
For example you can add people you want to block, and it appears in an awesome list:
And when you click "Add a Friend" you get a friendly reminder:
Of course it's just in alpha at the moment, but I'm excited as to what this can become!
I'm not expecting a horde of comments here, as I am well aware any future members prefer to lurk than actually communicate - but hold on! Salvation is coming!
- db
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Armageddon
I know our small little Terra Australis Incognita (land of the unknown) should be concerned about its own political present and future, however I think we need to take the focus off ourselves for a second and glance over the Pacific to America.The latest USA Today poll taken on the 2 party preferred vote (Democrat and Republican for you slow folk out there) show that the Republicans are ahead with a 50% to 46% preferred party. *Be afraid*
That's right people, the 4 horses of the Armageddon are coming.
Now lets assume that the registered votes (those who were polled for the survey) have had some degree of education, I'd like to suggest they have completed a higher education, but I'm going to settle for completing year 12 (or the equivalent). Sooo.... based on those statistics, and America's population which is approximately 301 million (aged between 18 and dead) that means that more the 150 million Americans believe that Mc Cain and Palin will be more apt to run the country, the super country that is butting it's nose into every other country in the world (except Africa...that's in the too hard, not enough return on investment country) the country that has nuclear weapons but does not want other countries to have them, the country that holds prisoners without charge but is the first to sanction another country if they tried to pull the same stunt...that county.
That's 150 million people who believe that a man close to his death bed and a right winged super freak of a woman are going to be good for America.Now don't get me wrong, I really don't care that much about American politics, however when something way off on the other side of the world is going to have an impact on me, I start paying attention (I'm selfish like that, until it impacts on me personally it's not my problem).Now Mc Cain isn't *that* bad, he hasn't come out and said he is against any particular issue (except terrorism, everyone seems to be against terrorism), and he can only be an improvement on the current government, but Mc Cain isn't my beef, hell you could put Zig or Zag the clowns (which ever isn't the paedophile) as the nominee for the next president I really don't care, my issue is with the random woman he's pulled from Alaska to be his deputy.
Palin is the devil incarnate people. She has risen from the depths of hell (or Alaska) and has come to strike fear and terror into little children.
First issue: Of all the candidates...from all the states (52) why oh WHY did he pick the chick from Alaska? Hasn't Alaska become part of Canada yet? Canada V2.0; because the alpha version always needs to be patched. It's too damn north to be considered America, what the hell was he thinking
Second issue: obviously being away from civilisation has messed with her head. Why would the potential vice president come out and actually say "I'm pro life, and against abortions". Pro life, yeah cool...Against abortion. *WTF* From that statement the soon to be president (Mc Cain is going to die just admit it) could criminalise every form of abortion. WRONG. I'm going to assume that the 301 million US citizens have this thing called "free will" which gives them the unique ability to make independent decisions. Pro-life pro-choice, whatever, just leave the choice there.
Third issue: she's anti gay. Who is anti gay these days? What people do in the privacy of their own home should be no concern to a politician (or the privacy of a bathroom stall at LA airport *cough*). And haven't gay people suffered enough? Not only do they have Elton John, Carson Kresley, K.D Lang, and Melissa Ethridge as their spokes people to the straight world, but they also lag behind in basic human rights and entitlements. And now super freak is coming along with her "I'm anti Gay" speech like a member of the Phelps family wrote the speech and have their hand up her arse like a damn puppet.
Forth issue: fine, she's pro life...that's great. But maybe she should tell her daughter to SHUT HER FRIGGIN VAG. The last thing the world needs is more red neck teenage pregnant losers. Come on lady, instead of throwing your political weight around (and getting busted) you could have spent that available time telling your kid that "pulling out" isn't an effecting birth control method. Fucking teenage breeders.
Fifth issue: GLOBAL WARMING. How can she think this is a myth? What friggin rock has she been living under? Not to alarm you, but if it's not 50 friggin degrees outside, then it's a friggin tsunami. You’re telling me that's just nature having an "off" day? God damn, she's from Alaska, surely she can see the impact global warming is having on the earth, haven't the glaciers melted and flooded her house yet?!?
Why focus so much on the deputy you ask? Look at Mc Cain, he's about a microwave dinner and a cigarette away from death, he's done for. And once he is dead and buried who takes over?....that's right...super Jesus in woman's clothing.
Not that we have any control over the outcomes of these elections, I'd just like to point out that only 41% of the voting American population voted in the last election. 41%. WTF were the other 59% doing that day? Was there some Kiera Knightly special playing on HBO that day? That is the only excuse I will justify for not voting on the day, a non-stop Keira-a-thon.That's how the Democrats are going to win. Obama has promised 1 free Kiera Knightly film to each individual and every night at 7pm a Keira Knightly film will be shown on every television stations across America (and Alaska, since they think they are part of America)
Mmmmmm Kiera Knightly
-ms
Attitudism
For post number three, or post number one, depending on whose point of view you're reading this from (that's right, I read my own blogs) I thought this blog needed a rant on what we have dubbed "Attitudism".
That is, the discrimination against someone for having a 'bad attitude'. I would like to point out that a 'bad attitude' is all relative. I do not believe I have a bad attitude, what I have is a low tolerance for bullshit and people's random stories.
Just because I do not say “Good Morning” when I walk into the office does not mean I have a bad attitude, it means I've done all the talking I wanted to do for the morning (large mocha to go) and I don't want to waste it on a stupid saying like 'good morning'. It's not a good morning, I got stuck in traffic for 40 minutes when I live 10km from work, how is that a good morning?It's raining in the morning, how is that a good morning (shut up all your Green Earth people, I know we need the rain, but it's causing other motorists to act like tools and it's messing up my awesome hair because I forgot an umbrella). So my decision not to say 'good morning' to fellow team members is not because I have a bad attitude, it's because I'm not a liar. If I were to wake up late, have breakfast cooked for me, have a relaxing stress free drive to work, and walking into the office and not get yelled at for being late, then yes, I'd be more then happy to say 'good morning'.
Attitudism does not stop in the morning, oh no, this vilification is rife during the day. Just because I cannot tolerate your stories of 'the mother land' (Greece is not the mother land, there is only one ethnic group who can use the term 'mother land' and it's not the Greeks) does not mean I have a bad attitude, what it means is I do not have time to listen to a story about a country I don't care about, told by someone with a "the Greeks rule the world, we are all better then you, and you are all descendants from the Greeks" persona. Evolution will prove that we are actually all descendants from the Homo Habalis species which originated in Africa. Africans can rule the world, not the Greeks (but I don't think I can survive on Red Cross help parcels and dirty water for long, so we'll have to organise a coup).
Alas, Attitudism continues. Just because I decide to communicate with you via email does not mean I have a bad attitude, what it means is I cannot trust you and that I want everything in writing. The truth can be untold, emails cannot be deleted.
People are forgetting that Attitudism can save you too. I put the visual queues there for a reason. If I'm listening to the Ipod and my hoodie is over my head that is a visual queue, in the same way that a frilled necked lizard will arch up and do its....frilly thing. They are there to warn predators. If you do not pick up on these visual queues and decide to open your mouth and start a sentence with "So I'll be on a plane for 19 hours until I get to Thailand for my honeymoon…blah…blah…blah" then expect me to kick you in the balls, watch you drop to the ground then kick you in the face and walk off. All the signs were there, it's your fault for not reading the signals (this could tie into another blog about Darwin awards and losers standing on a cliff near the "Danger Cliff Edge" sign and then....Oh no falling to the death, Dumb mother fuckers)
So this discrimination against people with "low bullshit tolerance" needs to stop. Attitudism cannot be allowed to thrive. I'm sure work places can conduct policy reviews that will allow for Attitudism to be a form of discrimination.I also believe this should be put to the federal government. I'm sure the Human Rights and Equal Opportunities Committee can add Attitudism anti discrimination into their next bill they want to push through parliament.
The pain has to stop people, and I need to be left in peace to talk to the people I chose to, and to ignore the idiots of the earth and not be labelled as having a "bad attitude".
-ms
number two.
What does one write when there is nothing to write about?
This appears to be the dreaded question when it comes to new and old bloggers alike when they look at the date and realise it’s been over a week since their last post.
And this is post number-fucking-two. . .
It’s not like I really have a shortage of things to write about. I could to a paragraph on chewing-with-one’s-mouth-open-in-a-crowded-tram-while-eating-a-fucking-B-B-Q-pork-role at-8am-you-disgusting-fucking-pricks, or if I really wanted to push it I could write about how funny it is see people fall over… ‘cause it is really funny.
Especially people of the old variety. I often wonder about how useless they would feel, falling over and not being able to bounce back up like they did when they were young. So sad, so helpless and, I’m going to hell for this, so funny. It’s like watching a fat person realise they are out of cake, the heartbreak shows on their face. It’s when I see people fall or fat people starve that I realise – everything could be worse.
I could be a fat old person who has fallen over while walking away from the disappointing sight of an empty cake tray.
The internet also provides some easy inspiration when there is nothing to write about, and although it’s about as low as one can go, I could steal funny headlines from someone elses blog the made me chuckle and put them here. It would be wrong and cheap, so I won’t do it, but if I did it would look like this:
- Sniper position for rent during NATO Summit
- Cow chases bear away
- Preparing to send fish to space
- Outrageous: Driver Sues Dead Victim’s Family For Car Damages
- Indian man marries dog
Or I could go the ultra predictable route. I could write about not having to anything to write about. I have free speech and a forum to voice my opinions, and I take the chance to express that I don’t have an opinion.
The fathers of democracy and free speech would spit on me.
Where does this compulsion come from, though? Why did I have the urge to post absolutely nothing at all?
(cue inspiring music)
Because I can. Because I should. Because it’s my god-damn right.
(cut inspiring music)
Ahem, sorry about that.
Now. On to some more headlines…
- Ex-cop may be charged in case of man Tasered to death
- Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
- Iraqi head seeks arms
- Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
- Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
- Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
- Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
- Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
- Child's death ruins couple's holiday
- If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
What a world, what a waste.
- db