Discriminate ’08!
This morning the Melbourne populace and probably the Australian populace has been flooded with the "discriminative" actions of the Australian Immigration department.
I used "Talky Talky" marks over the word discrimination because this is NOT discrimination.
It's Federal policy.
This may be a futile argument over semantics and red herrings but isn't the very purpose of an immigration department to discriminate against potential new citizens of this, the "lucky" country.
It is true that the story of the German doctor doing his good work in rural Victoria is a heart wrenching human interest affair, but why would we suddenly start screaming over policies that have been in place for years?
I am not suggesting that that the immigration laws should be relaxed or lifted, but this being a "democracy" would suggest that we as citizens and voters are responsible for the policies in place meaning that anyone jumping up and down in defence of the good doctor is guilty of hypocrisy and check themselves before they wreck themselves.
In October 2007 The Australian Government introduced a mandatory Citizenship test to assess the reading, writing and local knowledge of potential taxpayers in order to discriminate against those who didn't speak English or show any interest in assimilation.
To keep themselves busy they also put a stop to African refugees in the same month.
To further the point that the purpose of and Immigration Department is to discriminate the following are citizenship requirements in this sovereign charade we call home:
- No Active Tuberculosis
- Not have Hepititas of any kind
- Not to be HIV Positive
- Not be Fat (Obese)
- Not to know any criminals
- Not be serving a life sentence ( ? )
- Not to be on Death row ( ? )
- Not to be directly or indirectly associated with the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction
Lets think about that last one. Apparently we went to war in Iraq was to stop the Iraqi regime create and use weapons off mass destruction. In 2006 AWB was found to be giving kickbacks to the Saddam Hussein regime thus being guilty of funding the "creation of weapons of mass destruction". That would mean be default if someone who worked for or was a customer of AWB may have there VISA application scrutinised due to there connection with the aforementioned criteria. Nice!
The definition of the word discrimination is as follows:
1. unfair treatment of a person or group on the basis of prejudice
2. the cognitive process whereby two or more stimuli are distinguished
I think we can reasonably find that most of the conditions above fit both definitions of the word.
The point I am failing to make is the immigration laws are inherently discriminative, always have been and always will be.
The Big Question is: Do we bend the rules for an emotional argument and risk setting a precedent that would render the current "safeguards to Australian's best interests" useless or do we stick by the unfair, discriminative rules we have in place?
Unfortunately you can't have your schnitzel and eat it too.
-db
The New Commandments for a happy society, Part 1.
It would be obvious and an insult to your intelligence to tell you that I don't like people.
The lack of common sense and common decency in our society has forced me to consider what actions could be taken to rectify our situation. We could have a mass deletion, a de-frag of society - just remove those whom are not suitable from our streets and, deity willing, our gene pool - but that would be to drastic. We could ask them to refrain from their antisocial, antilogic and anti-antitstupid ways - but that would be too soft.
Then it hit me. If Christian Doctrines can create ten archaic laws for the people to follow - and they actually do - why can't I do it? I'm just as valid, and to add weight to my plight I promise that those who do not follow the new commandments will be very unhappy with the accommodation they receive in their afterlife; and why stop at ten? There should be a rule for every stupid thing a person can and surely will do.
Sure, you could say that I'm making it up and have no actual power over your eternal soul, but then again - are you willing to take the risk?
I didn't think so.
So behold your heathen eyes at the New Commandments for a happy society!
Thou Shalt not stare at other commuters on public transport
Just to try and ease you into the new rules, I'd like to start with this minor gripe. There are people in our midst who actually stare at the faces of their fellow commuters, sometimes for the entire one hour journey! I know!
I'm not just talking about reading my newspaper or glancing at my popular portable games console, I mean my face. My pretty, pretty face. To make matters worse when you stare back, most of the time they give the look of shame! Like you're the bad guy in the showdown!
Not. Cool. All commuters are now to keep their looks off of the bodies of other persons. If one must stare, stare at your fucking shoes. Jerk.
Thou Shalt plan their automobile trip in advance of leaving
Ok. Have ever been travelling down the street and moments before an intersection a fellow motorist rapidly changes lanes, cutting you off and almost causing an accident, just so they don't miss their turnoff? If you know these assholes tell them to sit the fuck down and read this:
THINK ABOUT WHERE YOU ARE GOING BEFORE YOU GET THERE.
If you know that you are turning left off Main street - at any point - GET YOU ASS IN THE LEFT LANE WELL BEFORE THE INTERSECTION. Do not assume that everyone will move out of your way the same way your partner/spouse does as you yell " Fire in the hole" just before you ejaculate. Use some common sense and plan ahead. The same way you do when you list all the witty come backs you can use at your next "team meeting" when everyone starts attacking your work because you are an asshole.
Thou Shalt not wear "Crocs" in public
Thou shalt not pop their collar
'nuff said.
Thou shalt not complain in public
I hate it when someone in the same line as me, behind me, starts moaning about how slow the line is moving. I know how slow the lines is moving. I was here before you. Even if the entire line felt the same what do you expect to happen? Do you expect the line to magically move faster? Do you expect everyone to give their place in the line so you can get out of here quicker, I mean, you must have somewhere better to be - you're complaining! the rest of us, we have nothing better to do, but you have publicly shown your disgust for the situation, we're humbled by you presence and urge you to move ahead! No?
Deep down do you expect to hailed as a hero, fighting for the interests of the everyman, Joe Six-pack, Joe Schmoe, Joe the plumber, Joe Pesci? Named humanitarian of the year by Time Magazine and have schools named after you for bringing down the drudgery of line usage?
No?
Then shut the fuck up.
I will leave it their my faithful flock. There will be more Commandments made as I see fit.
I am a deity and I can do that.
Shun the non-believers!
the opinion of opinionating
Every week, I sit in front of a PC and try to type out what I think to be witty social commentary with a provocative and controversial edge. The people following my half of the posts ( that's right, both of you) would notice that I pretty much fail in this regard week in and week out.
I'd love this to be my fault, because I could then correct the situation - but it isn't.
Ever since birth I have been and opinionator, I speak often without thinking and I care little for what anyone else has to say. I have learned not to speak in absolutes and be as vague as possible so I can't be definitively proven wrong.
Along with the aforementioned skills I also have a love (but obviously, no fucking respect) for the English language. I like words and what subtle differences each of them have when opinionating. In summation, I love the sound of my own voice and given the time, I could convince you that you love it too.
That is why when the opportunity arose to start up this blog with the talented and irreverent "ms" I thought it would be a fun and awesome outlet of frustrations and "LOLable" observations. I honestly believed that every week I would be writing comedy gold that future generations would look upon and say:
"Damn, he was awesome - next time I'm pretending to be a pinko left wing fuck nut with my pathetically wanky friends - I'm going to mention how awesome he really was!"
Unless you are new to the english language or carrying an extra chromosome or two then you would realize I'm not finding it as easy or natural as I hoped and masturbated over a few months back when the idea presented itself.
You see, my faithful subscripts (you too, mum), a natural opinionator such as myself has a built in BS alarm that goes off every time BS is raised. Here at the Opinionation we love BS because it great ammunition to use to be witty, topical and well, superawesometastic.
The problem is that with the BS alarm it's hard to get my head around the fact that not everyone has a BS alarm. So when obvious BS and awesometastic fodder for my cannon comes up I don't think of writing about it as I can't believe that the issue would divide society one way or another, and nobody wants to read an opinion piece that agrees with everyone's opinion.
I am, as always, wrong. In the last month and a bit - so so so so many easy targets have popped up and so so so many people actually bought into the BS and propagate the stupidity within.
So behold a mini-Opinionation for a Monday morning!
Sarah Palin - C'mon, the joke is over now, who is really McCains running mate?
The Abortion bill - freedom of choice? who needs it?
Joe the Plumber - aka: Republican plant Fail and people still believe it?
Britt Lapthorne and the "uber-helpful" AFP - After Haneef are we still surprised these people are tools?
The Bail out (US) - Selling out the future, Today!
The Bail Out (AUS) - Why don't we use some of that surplus to get better hospitals, pay the nurses, fix the nursing homes, educate the little ones and realistically fund renewable energy sources to reduce our dependence on oil?
The American Kath and Kim - Love Molly, Love Selma, Idolize John Michael Higgins, so why the EPIC fail?
The Pope - Refusing to speak out against the Mob. If God's Rep on Earth is shaking in his holy boots - what hope do we have?
Wow, I feel much better now. I'm glad to have gotten this off my chest.
Now for something completely different and add to the cluster fuck of topics already raised; It may come as a surprise to some that this is actually and Australian blog. We do discuss the US election a lot and I feel that perhaps you deserve an explanation as to why we focus so much on it.
2. Australian politics are usually boring as fuck.
With the US election rapidly approaching I thought it would be fun to go through a little Pro's and Con's list on one of the candidates. I have chosen the Republicans.
If they win:
- Republicans STFU.
- Joe the Plumber gets his business
- Sarah Palin becomes a running joke for at least four years
- If McCain Dies Palin becomes president and becomes a joke for all time
- Republicans gloat
- It's the end of the world as we know it
- Sarah Palin becomes a running joke - with power - for at least four years
- If McCain Dies Palin becomes president and becomes a joke for all time
If they Lose:
- Western Civilization is tossed a final chance for survival
- All that voted for Obama get a "Not Racist" excuse for one complete lifetime
- The threat of Sarah Palin subsides
- Sarah Palin disappears into oblivion meaning that someone, possibly me, will make a joke about her and get owned for beating a dead horse.
- Organized religion will gang up on Obama, we may never hear the end of it.
- The masses will revolt when they realize that someone has to pay to fix the damage done - and it will be them.
- Republicans won't STFU
You have now been sufficiently Opinionated on. Take a shower quickly before it dries and starts to flake and seek medical advice if my opinion has come into contact with your eyes. Expect some stinging.
- db
PS. LOL do you like what I did there I substituted "semen" for "opinion" - seriously HOW DO I DO IT?
Halt!
It is time for the first official Opinionation Red Card!
The following recipient(s) are to cease all actions and take a seat on the sidelines - game over.
Recipient: The Catholic Church of the 53rd State - Australia.
Reason:
Was ist das? Someone criticizing the world richest and largest organization? Unheard of!
Alas it is true, the past few weeks has seen the Church protest against the passing of the abortion bill - legalizing the right to choose in this land of ours.
It wouldn't come as a surprise to many that the Church of Superstition would take offense to the passing of the bill - after all it threatens their score and the result of the game. The game of life. You see my beauty impaired subscripts; the Catholic church, an in actuality all religion has been cheating at "life" for years.
So what is the game of "Life"?
Contrary to poplar belief it isn't just the classic 1861 Milton Bradley board game, but a game of, ahem, biblical proportions.
About 8000 years ago God made humans. It's a fact apparently. A bunch of other stuff happened and basically we are in a game where the aim is get souls. The players are God and the Devil. God has given humans freedom of choice and put us here on Earth and has bet the Devil that he collects the most souls. He wins souls when people live their lives by his rules and qualify for heaven. God claims that we, as humans, will act righteously even with temptations and obvious traps like Hedonism and Money.
The Catholic Church wants God to win - and to them ends must justify the means because they are trying to cheat!
By putting pressure on Governments and their flock - they are trying to take choice away thus reducing the chances of lost souls in the game!
For shame Church, for shame. Didn't your holy ghost teach you to play fair?
Imagine if the world lived by your "ends justifying means" philosophy! We'd have wars based on false presences, women supporting an unqualified, loose cannon of a female vice presidential candidate just because she is a woman and possibly even men of faith taking up positions where they can can slow the progress of science and technology to appease their chosen deity!
That type of world would be a terrible place to live in.
-db
The List
While I was working hard today I needed a small break. This break happened to consist of reading The Age on-line. About an hour into my break I stumbled across an opinion article by Jim Schembri called "Listing life’s pet peeves". While Jim's list is apt and general enough that everyone can nod and agree with, I found it was lacking a few vital points.
Here is my list. The list of things that piss me off.
1. People who eat tuna or any other odorous food product at their desk at work.
2. People who don't wait for you to exit a lift (train, tram etc) before they barge their way in. If I exit, there is more room for you, wait your turn.
3. People who do not stand on the left hand side on an escalator. Just like driving, slow vehicles (or people) to the left, people who are not lazy assed mother fuckers to the right.
4. People who walk across pedestrian crossings in the city even though their "flashing man" is red. I'm in a car made of metal, you’re made of bone. If my light is green I'm going. If you cannot obey simple coloured instructions then you deserve to get hit. And if I do hit you, I think I'm doing society a favour and removing your genes from the gene pool.
5. People who do not get out of your way when you’re walking, and then you’re stuck doing that stupid "move left, no move right" dance you have to do because morons cannot walk. Just like point 2, I drive on the left hand side, so I walk on the left hand side. KEEP LEFT MOTHER FUCKERS.
6. People who try and have intellectual conversations with you, but you know it's not worth your breath. Quoting the Simpsons while talking about Hitler does not constitute intellectual conversation.
7. Parallel parking. nuff said
8. People who keep using the same phrases when they talk to you and they don't even realise that they do it.
9. People who have a deluded self image and thing they are gods greatest creation that is walking this earth, really...they are douches.
10. People who do not know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. These are the same people who do not know the difference between “their”, “they’re” and “there”.
Do not despair people, there are also things in this world that make me laugh.
Here is that list:
1. Midgets
2. People tripping up stairs
3. People walking into glass doors
4. People running for a tram and don't make it. And then try and act like they didn't mean to run for the tram.
5. People who choke on their food. How hungry are you? Chew and you'll be fine.
6. People who walk into spider webs and do the "spider web dance"
7. Little kids who cry at the supermarket because they can't get what they want. Welcome to life, the lessons start young.
8. White people dancing
9. People who go through life mispronouncing words thinking they are correct.
10. Did I mention midgets? How funny are they?!? With their little midget clothes, and little midget faces. I want to collect them and put them on a little shelf in my display cabinet.
Feel free to post a comment with things that should appear on these lists. If I feel they meet the criteria, I will publish a new list.
-ms