the rtv is go
Because I have nothing else better to do on New Years Eve, I have uploaded my first video blog on youtube.
Whilst not strictly related to the opinionation, many themes will overlap and I am using it as another tool to promote this site, which will become alot more interesting and interactive in the next couple of months... honest thomas!
Expect a Mandy post very soon (now I've written it, she must do it.)
Because I'm a nice guy I've embedded the video here, but in the event you are old school and like links - click here
Enjoy, or not (I have stopped caring.)
- db
resolutions are for ‘tards
OK, now all the Christmas crap is out of the way it's time to get serious.
2009 looks like it's going to be a pretty big year for the opinionation and it could be for you too!
In four days time it will be time to take a deep breath and make your new years resolution.
Personally, I have big problems with the new years resolution. The act of choosing an arbitrary date to suddenly change your life is a bigger gimmick than celebrity scents. If there is something in your life you feel you must change, waiting for the new year to change it is absolutely retarded. Like William Hung retarded. If you need to lose weight or start eating right - just do it now so you can fail at it sooner and get the whole "guilt" thing over and done with.
Alas, it seems the tradition of new year resolutions will not subside any time soon and I have taken the liberty to suggest what type of resolutions some people could and probably should make.
Remember these are only suggestions, I can not be held responsible for the catastrophic consequences these cause (so don't even try to blame me).
Resolutions for Melbournians ( that would be people from Melbourne, Australia)
- Step up and change the dates that seasons start. It doesn't get cold until late June and doesn't get hot until February, over the years the seasons have shifted and I am sick to death of people complaining on December 2nd that it's only 20 degrees. Grow a brain, or at least remove your tongue)
- Only buy copies of "The Big Issue" from the guys that look like they need the money. That's right, I'm on to you. Yes, you - the guy at Flinders Street station in the suit with the cell phone selling the Mag.
- Start Petitioning for bigger rubbish bins.
- Promise yourself you will stop eating pork rolls on the tram - not only before 9am, but forever.
- Promise you will not be surprised that the Myki System is: Overbudget, Not released, cumbersome, broken, a bad idea and all around FUBAR.
- Promise to get angry and riot when the Government start taxing you for using rain water.
Resolutions for the Rudd Government
- Instead of relegating to a comittee, how about actually making a descision.
- Chastise and aim to rid politics of Steven Conroy
- Seriously start talking about the referendum
- Grow a pair an stand up to the oil and coal industries. Go green or go home.
- Get your resumes in order.
Resolutions for Mandy
- Grow an inch.
- Bend to my will more often.
- Move closer to my house.
Resolutions for the producers of Australian Idol
- Do not run a series this year
- Failing the above - die in a fire
Resolutions for Barrack Obama
- Don't fuck up
- Consider that the Republicans only want Iran to get all war like so they fight Isreal and bring the world to an end - it's in their foreign policy book - you know, The Bible
- Kill NAFTA.
Resolutions for the Australian Media
- Stop dumbing down entertainment
- Give TV shows more than two episodes before you decide if it's worth continuing
- If you must screen US TV shows, choose the right ones.
- Abolish the ratings and non-ratings seasons. I am sick of summer TV.
- Fund and nuture independent film makers irrespective of their experience.
Resolutions for the readers of the opinionation
- Comment
- Get other people to subscribe
- Validate our existence
- Failing the above, just validate mine, my glory will trickle down to Mandy... eventually
Resolutions for people in management
- Stop being a douche
- Stop being a douche
- Treat employees with respect first, before expecting it from them
- Stop being a douche
Resolutions for the infamous "shoe thrower"
- Ask for your shoes back
- Work on your aim
Resolutions for the Secret service guy who showed up after the second shoe was thrown
- Don't take toilet breaks on duty
- Stop drinking the bong water
- Get your resume in order
Resolutions for fat people that "overspill" their one allocated seat on public transport
- Apologise to the "normal" person you are crushing
- Walk to work
- Eat less...you know...shit
Again, these are suggestions. I'm sure there are many more to add and I'd ask that if you have any please comment with your suggestions below... oh and before you even consider it:
Resolutions for Dane
- Learn to spell
- Stop thinking people care
- Reduce your level of awesomness, you're making us look bad
Again, comment below if you have anything to add, if you don't comment I'll just assume you agree with me and have finally accepted me as the visionary I am.
-db
the helpful blog post.
'Tis the season to spend money fa la la la la la la la... la.
Can you believe it? The government give families a bit of extra cash this holiday season and they act responsibly?
They put the money on their rent or their mortgage and not go out and buy the new Ipod?
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
No, wait, that's not what I want to talk about today. If you look through the archives of this blog you'll find that we are great at following the crowd and crudely discussing the latest "buzz" topics - from Palin, to Obama and now the financial crisis.
When the opinionation was created, I'm pretty sure we didn't just want to rant about our "opinions" or give our point of view on "events" - we wanted to help people. More importantly we wanted to give people the tools to help themselves - because, god knows, I don't actually want to talk to you people about... anything. I mean if I'm on public transport and I realize readers of this blog are on the same train, I'm probably going to get off, walk home and shower to get that dirty, dirty smell off me.
The latest trend in business seems to opt out of throwing a Christmas party and instead, fire those whom serve them. This has caused a lot of people to enter the job market and we want to help.
So behold some interview tips that will set you apart from the crowd and almost guarantee* you secure the job you are after.
I have looked around the interweb and have found many sources of job interview tips and techniques - and I don't want to shock you, but, they are all wrong. To prove this, our tips will be revealed be showing you why the other peoples tips are wrong. Wrong and dirty - dirtier than a Taiwanese lady boy mud wrestling a scarecrow made of ground up panda penis.
The tips I will dispute are from Kelly Services found here.
Job Interview Tips No. 1
- Come prepared
Know yourself - your strengths, weaknesses and accomplishments. A job interview is not the time to wing it! Prepare as much as you would for a presentation to the Board of Directors at your company
WRONG. The people interviewing you obviously would be impressed with your ability to think on your feet. Not preparing will also give you the ability to soak in the environment and people you will be working with. Do not go into an interview with any expectations or predisposed judgments - if Jane Austin has taught us anything it's that being predjudiced doesn't work.
Job Interview Tips No. 2
- Research the company
Find out as much as you can about the company through annual reports, Newspapers, Value Line," S&P, etc. Your effort will show in the job interview, and you’ll be seen as proactive, hardworking and astute.
WRONG. These people already know where they work and what they do, if you go into a spiel about the company not only will you appear mildly retarded but you will only me showing that you know how to Google.
Job Interview Tips No. 3
- Dress appropriately to match the company culture
Many companies have gone to corporate casual. Check with your contact to see what they require. When in doubt, always err on the side of formal business attire.
WRONG. Wow. This could not be more wrong. If you were interviewing hundreds of people for a position would you be more likely to remember the person in the generic suit or the person with the hot pants, flip flops and wearing crotchless panties as a protective helmet? Thought so.
Job Interview Tips No. 4
- Arrive 15 to 30 minutes early
Punctuality is a subtle clue about attitude and behavior. Tardiness, no matter the excuse, is a major blunder. Research in advance what your parking options are and allow plenty of time.
WRONG AGAIN. Why is it that people who are fashionably late are cooler? Because it shows that they had better thing to do than be at the designated place at that time - the same applies here, it almost asserts a type of status before you've opened your mouth.
Job Interview Tips No. 5
- Exhibit enthusiasm
First impressions, positive or negative, dramatically affect the ultimate evaluation. You can make or break an job interview within the first five minutes.
Job Interview Tips No. 6
- Appear friendly and outgoing
Smile and say hello to everyone. A positive reaction from the support staff is an important factor in the evaluation. Many hires have been heavily influenced by an Administrative assistant.
Job Interview Tips No. 7
- Be self-confident
High self-esteem and self-confidence are the hallmarks of the successful individual. With confidence, be able to demonstrate how you have overcome obstacles. There’s nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself.
ALL WRONG. Nobody likes a prima donna asshat who has tickets on themselves. You are probably more likely to score the job by appealing for a pity hire. Enthusiasm seems fake, Friendly and outgoing leads to images of dead hookers and a drinking habit and self-confidence is a sin (see:pride) - using any of these tips will only hurt your chances of become the new employee of insert stupid company here.
Job Interview Tips No. 12
- Give 1 to 2 minute responses
Communication is the key to successful interviewing. A minimum of one to two minutes of well-prepared discussion gives the interviewer insight into your intellect and supports your contentions.
WRONG. This will only give the illusion you are inarticulate and unable to string a sentence together. Talk it up, show you have the gift of gab.
Job Interview Tips No. 16
- Ask probing questions
A few strategic questions can demonstrate your intelligence, analytical skills and assertiveness. Have these prepared from your research. Avoid superficial small talk.
WRONG. Who the hell do you think is running the interview here? they don't care if you have a question, they are in the drivers seat - let them cruise. At the end of the interview where they ask "Do you have any questions for us" is a trick. It is at that point of the interview where they sum up how much of a pain in the ass you'll be.
Job Interview Tips No. 17
- Be positive about co-workers
Don’t bad mouth previous positions, companies or employers. No matter how well founded, this implies a negative attitude, typical of those who don’t take personal responsibility for their actions.
Job Interview Tips No. 18
- Clearly state your interest
By the conclusion of the interview, state that you are definitely interested in the position and would like to know when the next step will take place. It’s best to demonstrate this interest throughout the session. Be careful not to go overboard.
WRONG. These tips show how honesty can work for and against you. In a job interview it is imperitive that you always tell the truth. Honesty is supposedly a valiant thing in this society, so make sure you use it. If you are leaving your job because your Boss has bad personal hygiene and your co-workers are all lamer than Gregory House's right leg then say so. If you are feeling under valued and can feel your enthusiasm for your current field melt away faster than a retarded kid's ice cream in the middle of summer - by all means mention it now. If you lie in this instance you WILL be caught out after you have the job and eventually mention how bad your last job was... and then you'll just look like a liar.
In the second tip being honest is not advisable... if your interest is to make alot of money, you seem greedy and not interested in the job and if you state your interest as wanting to "work in a team to develop my skills further" they know you came prepared with that question and are guilty of pre meditated deception. The safest way out of this question is to not answer it by changing the subject like so:
"So, future asset, what do you hope to get out of your time with us if you are chosen?"
"Oh my god, I totally thought you just called me a cheap asian hooker! Do you like thai food?"
Job Interview Tips No. 19
- Know your objective and end with it
Establish your objective before the job interview, like a second interview or an offer. Ask for it if you have not achieved it. Ask a question such as, "do you think my skills match your needs?" This gets straight to the point and, at worse, reveals other obstacles to overcome.
WRONG WRONG WRONG...WROOOOOONG. I suggest ending your interview with "Thank you for your time" not "I really want a job here so I can travel to India and get a child bride."
These tips are free, so take them and do what you will. If you do use them, however, and land the perfect job you owe me 10% of your annual income as a royalty. I don't make the rules, I just exploit them.
- db
* gaurentee may not deliver, hate the game - not the player.
christmas is cancelled
Hello Plebs,
It is with a heavy heart I report to you that Christmas this year has been cancelled - or to be more specific - made redundant.
It appears that the latest financial "crisis" has claimed yet another victim. Unfortunately due the inability to secure a business loan Santa's work shop has gone under.
It must be said that Santa didn't go down without a fight. In a last ditch effort to save his fledging business Santa sacrificed five his his flying mammalian friends to try and sell their magic meat on the market.
Below are some images of Saint Nick doing his part to save our beloved holiday.
- "c'mon Prancer"
+
=
"...mmmm...Vixen..."
+
Yes, it is a sad thing indeed. And to make matters worse only one person actually showed up to his product launch:
- evil incarnate
It is also terrible news that Santa will be forced to move out of the North Pole as he simply cannot afford the combination of land rates and global warming. Alas, with his now non-existent income his remaining reindeer cannot join him in what we here at the opinionation hope to be the golden years of Santa's life.
-
...the feed is laced with cyanide
...the feed is laced with cyanide
In some possibly positive news regarding the closure of Santa's workshop there are now an influx of dwarfs flooding the streets of Hollywood looking for work which means three things:
- We may see a Willy Wonka film with more than just one god-damn Ompa Lompa digitally copied many times.
- James Bond may actually have a formidable foe in the next instalment of the series.
- Remakes of all Weng Weng films
So Subscripts, please spare a thought this Holiday(less) season for those less fortunate... and...shit.
-db
PS. Please note that I resisted the urge to make a joke about children yearning for Santa's sack and managed to make a joke about Palin well after her career died. DANE BRADDY FTW!
The Demise of Civilization
People of the free world, I have returned.
I have returned wiser and a little more depressed with the world. that is because I have been to what is apparently the country that is the leader of the free world
People, if this country is our leader, then I'm afraid we are screwed. Just like our friends in the 1991 hit game we will follow this country to our demise.
Now, I will make a concession that the people I met on my travels were in fact tourists, and tourists are not the greatest people you want to represent your country, however this is what I am making my generalisations on.
The first realisation of doom occurred in Auckland airport. Surprisingly it wasn't the New Zealanders that scared me, it was the comment I heard behind me.
Imagine the scene, I had just arrived after a 3 hour flight, tired from waking so early, and finally sat down to relax and wait for the next flight, when from behind I hear "Like, people in economy, like cant look you in the eye, when you are like in premium economy, that must be like, jealous and stuff."
*snap* okay my little soriety sister, I have a few issues with this.
1. you don't not need to use "like" in a sentence unless it is describing your feelings for something, or the similarities between two things.
2. There is 13cm of extra leg room in premium economy compared to economy. I don't think we're jealous that you paid an extra $500 for 13cm of space. That's $38.40 a centimetre.
3. Economy people "cannot look you in the eye" because they are busy looking for THEIR SEAT
After a mild panic attack where I realised I am going to a country full of this crap, I calmed down and managed to complete my flight without committing any acts of criminality.
My next experience with the stoopidity of American tourists occurred at Universal Studio's.
Apparently it never rains in L.A (bullcrap). 10am in the morning, it's raining, I stop off to buy a poncho (aren't they such flattering garments) and it had stopped raining. I'm standing under cover with a perfect view of the rest of the theme park, when some lovely American came up to me and asked "is it still raining?"
My first reaction was "umm, I know you have eyes because you walked up to me without falling over, so why don't you look and decide whether it's raining or not".
But then I remembered, Americans don't believe anything unless they are told. How foolish of me to think independent thought was something this poor man could muster. Afghanistan War, Iraq war, Hurricane Katrina, these Americans only know what they are told. So I did my duty to America and I informed this man that "no, it is no longer raining".
Filled with a sense of accomplishment I carried on with my day.
While I was doing my tour of theme parks I have come to the conclusion that America will soon be populated with a country full of people named "Dakota, Charity, Rheese, and Jackson". In fact if you ever want to feel like a God, go to a theme park and call out, "Jackson, Charity, come here" and you will have everyone's undivided attention.
I also had the pleasure of visiting a Wal-Mart (think Target stores but cheaper) while in America. Not to shop, but more to see what the general voting population looks like. People, it's scary.
1. I thought the mullet, leggings, and flannelette shirts went out of fashion in the early 90's
2. Should you really be allowed to buy prescription medication and a gun from the same store?
3. The gun isle of Wal-Mart was larger then the book isle. This should worry people.
People, we need to worry that the country that is leading the free world, does not have independent thought, cannot understand the difference between jealousy and finding your way to your seat, and is populated with mullet growing, gun buying, illiterate freaks.
PANIC
-ms
*** EDIT June 2009***
This post appears to be a spam magnet so comments are disabled for this post, sorry... -db
follow us on twitter, the micro blogging website. If it's to small to be posted here, it will be posted there.
Behind the scenes updates re: the podcast and site changes will also appear on twitter.
- db
…ten days later
Wow, it appears it has been over a week since the last update.
I'd like to blame someone else - so I will. This was all Mandy's fault.
You see, she decided to go on holiday, to LaLawood. This has thrown my week into chaos.
Make no mistake, I could care less that she isn't here, but I have a routine... and I like my routine. It offers me some kind of certainty in this crazy topsy turvy world where democratic parties try to pull Orwellian polices out of a hat and former rivals become teammates.
I have mixed feelings about the public reception of the Rudd governments new Internet filtering scheme. While industry experts and civil libertarians are jumping up and down, I'm not feeling the outrage from Joe Sixpack on the street. This is hardly surprising seeing as though brushfires, war, terror attacks and world sporting events seem to fail to catch the attention of people anymore - unless of course it is happening in their backyard.
My prediction? If the internet filtering gets through the outrage will only happen once it actually effects everybody. The problem is that it's far too late when that happens and we will have to wear the consequences until we elect someone to fix it - ala WorkChoices. I mean, so what if apathy is plaguing our society? Who gives a shit right?
In completely unrelated news, I have begun sketching out blueprints for the podcast and will work on it further with Mandy upon her return.
There are two reasons that I believe the podcast should get up and running ASAP.
1. Nobody Reads anymore
2. I don't posses the skill to accurately write a story about a giraffe named Kelvin that has Down Syndrome taking a day trip to the zoo, only to be cornered and gang raped by butterflies, in the warm and humid butterfly house.
Ps.
I know the main site sucks, it's temporary, bite me.
- db