I read the news today…oh boy
Have you guys seen the new Seinfield season brief?
No?
That is probably because it doesn't exist.
Since you bought up things that don't exist have you seen my empathy for stupidity?
Lately I find myself less amused and more enraged by dumb behavior. I used to giggle when someone would almost get hit by a car, I have even laughed our loud at people using "lol" for "Lots of Love" but I swear I cannot take it anymore.
I doubt it's my mood that effects the amount of stupidity I see, I am convinced that there must be some kind of external influence that is driving the latest trend of dumbness.
I was thinking about this a week ago when I should have been thinking about something else, and as I was watching TV. The news was on and while they showed a nice 1 - 2 min story on the financial mess, then glossed over Iraq they then subjected my to a 5min story on a guy in CAL who put wheels on a surfboard - and is being hailed as an amazing inventor.
Don't get me wrong, they seemed cool - but wasn't this the same way they invented the skateboard? And since when has some douche in another country doing douche-like things been news?
It was then that it hit me.
Being an Internet person I get my news from various sites and sources - but not everyone is an Internet person. This particular news program is consistently the highest rating "news" show on Australian "TV".
I now (and probably always did) blame the mainstream media for dumbing down the population.
There has been evidence of this all around us and throughout our history. It seems that in times of stress Australians revert back to their bogan roots.
Take TripleM for example. I am aware that the M isn't what you would call intelligent radio - but there was a semi intelligent show on the station and that was "Spoonman". I say semi intelligent because Spoonman is intelligent, however a lot of the time his callers were not. All that aside he was trying to do something that the rest of the media doesn't want to do, bring important issues that demand discussion to the people. Spoonman had decent ratings for his late night time slot, but when it came to a choice between his show and "Pete and Myf in the mornings" AKA "Un funny, Blue collar, gay and fart joking trash" - they chose the latter. I would never accuse TripleM of displaying forethought but by canning a show that no other station had been able to replicate in favor of Feet and Muff is a crime.
I can here you scoffing already - Sleet and Miss would obviously rate higher and the people would enjoy stupid, light comedy.
Whilst the above may be true and one of the roles of the media is to entertain - the other role and it's most important role is to inform the people. By removing the Infotainment in favor of the Bogantainment they showed the M's showed they have no desire to push our pitiful media to the next level and would prefer promoting and coasting through the putrid waters of ignorance-sans-bliss.
In a time where ignorance will only hurt us, shouldn't we be laying off the fart jokes for just a little while?
There is no reason why Infotainment should be boring, the satire done by Maher, Colbert and Stewart in the states is some of the best TV around - and do you know what makes them funnier? If you are aware of the current events in the world. When you are informed it makes these shows funny on many different levels. In a way it rewards viewers for being aware of the news.
The only way to enjoy the trite they serve up on the radio these days is to switch your brain off when as the world around us changes they should be switched on.
But then again I'm informed so why the fuck should I care about you?
Yeah the post wasn't funny but it's didn't stop me from laughing at your face.
-db
Double Dissolution = Double Distillation
My St. Paddy's day was a very quiet affair this year.
In fact I believe I was in bed by 10pm.
Sad a pathetic.
However next year I will be celebrating like the adopted Irish girl I should be.
You see the Rudd government has failed to pass the “alco-pop” tax hike.
w00t, friggin w00t.
I never thought I would utter these words, but praise the right winged Christian asshole for not siding with the elected government.
For now, my God loving friend....I am free to consume my alcohol at a cheaper rate.
For all of you non drinking (freaks) people let me give you the back story.
Around this time last year the Rudd government, in an attempt to stop binge drinking raised the tax on "alco-pop's" to 70%.
Naturally the makers of these products were not going to pay the difference, so me...as the poor consumer was slugged with this pay rise.
I have had to deal with a year of paying $7 for a breezer. THEY USED TO BE $5.
There have been several studies done on the affect of this price hike and it's correlation to binge drinking. Guess what, there wasn't that much of an impact.
Naturally the tight ass's out there moved from "alco-pop" drinks to buying bottles and making their own drinks.
This resulted in losers not knowing when to say stop and O.Ding on vodka.
Guess what...drinking a whole bottle of vodka in one night is never a good idea.
At least if you have “alco-pop's” the sugar in the drinks gets too much and you stop drinking.
When you're making the drinks yourself there is no limit to what you can do.
However, the bill was not blocked because there was little impact on binge drinking, the bill was blocked because bible basher (Steve Fielding) wanted to ban advertising of alcohol at sporting events.
When did one man become the moral voice of the people? Advertising alcohol does not make me want to drink. I don't see an ad for Carlton Draught (good ad by the way) and want to run out and buy some. Having the worlds crappiest day and wanting to relax by having a drink makes me want to buy alcohol, having a night out with the girls, makes me want to buy alcohol, realising my life is pathetic and that I'm never going to get ahead in this world, makes me want to buy alcohol.
Sponsoring sporting events by the corporations is a good thing. I don't want my tax dollars going to sponsorship. Let my drinking money go to that.
I drink -> my money goes to the manufacturer -> manufacturer sponsors sporting event -> I don't watch sport -> I don't care.
Granted sports players and alcohol don't appear to be mixing well at the moment (like absinth and baileys) but we need to ask ourselves "WHY DO WE CARE". I do not look up to sports players. They are not role models. If people are stupid enough to base their life aspirations on the word of a football player then this country is in SERIOUS trouble.
So people, in the next few weeks there will be a return of "DRINKING MANDY" Mandy who can A. Afford to drink, B. Mandy who can afford to drink DECENT alcohol, and most importantly, just to scare the politicians, there will be Mandy passed out drunk, covered in vomit, sexually violated, and bruised from being in a pub brawl....wheeled into the understaffed, over crowded E.R on Friday.
PRAISE DEMOCRACY
-ms
Dunce and Douche 2011
Crisis breeds opportunity and opportunity breeds innovation.
I had a dream. A dream where politics no longer separated fellow douche bags from one another.
I dreamed a dream that was so beautiful tears came to my eyes. It was an honest political party that offered no lies or excuses.
Do you want to know the best part?
The party I dreamed was made made up of the biggest liars, spinners, weasels and all 'round opportunity wasters we have seen and, regrettably, voted for in modern Australian Politics.
So without further ado my faithful readers I present to you the most honest party ever formed in Australian Politics: The Dunce and Douche party.
And the official party portrait:
Personnel:
Wayne Swan: The jury is still out on Swan's results as treasurer, but there is no doubt he is a douche bag. He suggested that the people who had there money frozen in banks go to Cenrelink to see if they are eligible for benefits, you know, instead of fixing the problem. He also apparently eats human infants.
Stephen Conroy: This guy is a piece of work. He has plans to filter the internet for ALL citizens regardless of and "freedoms" we enjoy. That makes him a dunce, what makes him a douche bag? The fact he equates the desire for a free and unfiltered internet with supporting the generation and distribution of child pornography. What a douche bag.
Peter Costello: Taking up headlines with his jabs at Malcolm Turnbull and the "Will he? Won't he?" games in relation to his political career taking focus off the major issues makes him a douche. His holier-than-thou attitude and smug grinning doesn't help with his apparent "popularity".
Lynne Kosky: Victoria's Public Transport Minister is the current running joke in Victoria. Last year a leaked email revealed she requested not to be bothered with the public's complaints and suggestions when it came to public transport. Now she spends her time smiling and backing the myki debacle and pretending that Melbourne's woeful public transport is A-OK. Why a vote of no confidence hasn't been suggested for this douche is beyond me.
Tony Abbott: How does an evangelical Christian get to be the head of Health and Science in Australia? Regardless of how it's his failure to admit a conflict of interest and denial of pushing his personal belief on the general population via his denial of stem cell research and abortion laws that makes him a douch bag. His belief in imaginary friends whom he takes advice from, makes him a dunce.
Kevin Rudd: I voted for Kevin Rudd, and I am sorry. I have done previous blogs on my disappointments with our PM, it's the fact that that he claims to have no memory of visiting a New York stripclub that really pegs him as a dirty, stinking liar. I once saw a nipple of a pretty young thing on the train and that mere glimpse is burned into my memory... ahh nipple girl where are you now?
Peter Garrett: Hypocrite = Douche
John Howard: There is no question that he bald faced lied to the Australian Public about the existence of WMD's in Iraq. He was told by Australian and US intelligence both advised that the existence of such weapons in Iraq was not true yet he still marched thousands of Australian soldiers in a sovereign nation on false pretences. DOn't get me wrong, there were valid reasons for invading Iraq, however, none of these reasons were sighted on his desicion to blindly follow George W into battle. Claiming Australia wouldn't introduce a GST only to implement it in his first term and the silence about then introduciton of WorkChoices after being elected makes him a douche and or dunce - probably both.
Joe Hockey: As spokesperson and main supporter of the infamous WorkChoices legislation earned his place in this Party on that fact alone. It's his performance on election night 2006 that saw him sit in stunned silence and defiant in defeat that makes him not only jaded but a royal douche.
It was a beautiful dream but was nothing more than that. Australian Politics is riddled with lies and ignorance and that will not change in the near future.
And before you even think about it: Pauline Hanson wasn't included in the party because she doesn't seem to hide her ignorance or douche bag-ness - either making her a genius or a chip off the old Palin block.
-db
So - Did I miss anybody? If so why should they be included?
Sober Mandy vs Drunk Mandy
I recently embarked on a month of sobriety.
Not for charity reasons, or health reasons, I just got so lazy I didn't want to leave the house for a month.
This month of sobriety taught me a few harsh truths about myself.
Sober Mandy SUCKS ASS.
Sober Mandy is ridiculously boring.
Sober Mandy will sit and watch 12 DVD's in a weekend.
Drunk Mandy will film enough random sex with strangers to fill 12 DVD's.
Sober Mandy is quite relaxed and pleasant to be around.
Drunk Mandy will tell you what she thinks of you and ignore your objections to her view.
Sober Mandy fills in the day by cooking cupcakes and delicious dinners.
Drunk Mandy consumes enough McDonalds as hang over food that she can shit a cow.
Sober Mandy has a "no touchy" policy.
Drunk Mandy gets lifted onto a pool table at a crappy backpackers hotel like a fucking Oscar award.
Sober Mandy obeys all traffic laws and is a good driver.
Drunk Mandy doesn't wear a seatbelt and gets flung into the windscreen, bruising her forehead when her crappy sister breaks hard like a moron.
Sober Mandy would never tolerate random conversations from strangers.
Drunk Mandy LOVES to hear about people's crappy opinions and debate people's stupid ideas (usually results in Mandy getting free alcohol from the loser).
Sober Mandy is usually quite clean and orderly, possibly bordering on OCD.
Drunk Mandy has no problems throwing up in a car and cleaning it up with her jacket.
Sober Mandy knows she cannot sing and will not attempt to out of respect for her fellow friends.
Drunk Mandy is A ROCK LEGEND and can out sing Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston combined.
Sober Mandy has a 100 meter walking radius.
Drunk Mandy can walk the entire city and not care (so long as there is a place to stop in and refuel with alcohol).
Sober Mandy is a law abiding citizen.
Drunk Mandy thinks that smoking a doobie before going into a club is legal.
Sober Mandy has pretty high standards when it comes to partners.
Drunk Mandy has hooked up with some REALLY questionable people.
Drunk Mandy hopes they were infact human,
Sober Mandy knows otherwise.
So in conclusion, yes I have started drinking again. Life is a lot more fun, and a lot more bearable. Randomness when drunk still happens, but the alcohol allow Sober Mandy to deal with the situation without running into a corner to cry.
-ms
Post Coital Mardi Gras
This weekend was spent in a drunken daze experiencing all that Sydney has to offer during the Mardi gras.
Here are the learning's of my trip.
1. Gay people make Sydney bearable and fun.
98% of the year Sydney is a self obsessed town, trying to find ways to
"prove" it is better then Melbourne. It tries too hard to be liked...and no one likes a try hard.
But for two days of the year, the Gays descend on Sydney and turn it into a fun loving happy place.
300,000 people attended the Mardi gras this year. That's a lot of gay.
2. Mardi Gras is a celebration of all things gay. That means the good AND the bad are celebrated. When I say bad, I don't mean the float dedicated to Harvey Milk, or the stereotypical float dedicated to Kylie, I'm talking about the S&M float that had the guy and girl chain up, wearing assless chaps, and boobs hanging out getting whipped by Dungeon masters.
It takes all sorts to make the world
3. Gay people are usually a clean and industrious people by nature. Our major exports are interior design and landscaping. We know how to decorate a room, and live by the motto "a place for everything and everything has its place".
However when it comes to Mardi gras, the stereotype goes out the window. By 1am in the morning oxford street looks like a hobo's heaven. There are bottles and broken glass COVERING the street. There is confetti and condoms lining the streets. All urinals are at capacity and most are leaking on the street.
This is the one day we gay people can act like straight people.
4. Apparently if you are going to dress in drag on the night, you do not have to shave the day before. It's acceptable for a guy to be in a silver sequence dress, fishnet stockings, hair looking fabulous and make-up done, but the chest hair can be sticking out like a straight man at a beat.
5. Blow up dolls with dildo's are funny
6. This years Mardi gras straight to gay ratio was not cool!! Usually it's a 3:1 ratio (3 gay people to 1 straight person, usually the fag hag).
However this year I believe the straight people were more abundant then the gay people. Ps. Bi guys/girls count as straight (they're just being greedy, and greed is a straight person syndrome). This severely reduces the chances of picking up. Not cool. I'm not wasting my time on straight people. Straights go home. Until we are legally the same as straighties, GET YOUR OWN PARADE.
7. Sydney has STOOPID drinking laws. What is with the "time out" periods during the night? Not serving alcohol for 10 minutes isn't going to accomplish jack!! What it will accomplish is me getting irate, go on a tirade, and then resort to doing coke lines off the guy's toilet seats with a drag queen. Stupid Sydney
8. Cops in uniform are HOT. Cops beating up a drag queen because he touched their bike (how gay to be a cop on a bike though??) is not too cool. Making the drag queen take off her wig is rude. It's like telling a Muslim to take off their hajib. Not on.
9. A lot, I mean A LOT of people have the same superman top I was wearing to the parade. Not surprisingly a lot of guys AND girls have the same top. In the gay world this fashion faux par would result in someone going home and killing themselves. Guess what...not it!!
10. Apparently I have a face that says "yes I would love to hear your life story and how your night is going". Guess what. I don't need to know that you were in the parade, and that you were dressed as a clown. I really don't give rats. If you were a GIRL and CUTE then MAYBE I'd listen, on the off chance it will get me laid. But guess what...you were none of the above...so FUCK OFF.
And I never want to here "Happy Mardi Gras" again. Because at the end of the night, after witnessing all that I had...There isn't too much to be happy and proud about.
11. I've also discovered that the once fantastic pilot standard that Qantas used to have has gone out the window. The "pilot" on the way home nearly killed us. Not only did he not land the plane until 3 quarters down the run way, he then thought he could park is sideways and decided to skid the plane.
I do believe that the new qualifications for a Qantas pilot are to have clocked a flight simulator game on Xbox. That's it. Anything above that is just a fancy degree, and Qantas doesn't like those.
12. Yum Cha in Sydney's china town now consists of bugs and really bad bloody Mary's.
*throws a towel at reader
I'm done, now go clean yourself up...you disgust me.
-ms
Sorry, wrong number
Whilst in the midst of intermittent power issues at home, I thought I'd offer up this mini-opinionation:
Where I work there are times that I have to, regrettably, call Tasmanian people. One very annoying fact that anyone in Victoria will find out if they have to call people from the vag-shaped-state is that they share the same area code as we do.
Apparently that isn't all we share - it turns out that Telstra doesn't differentiate between Victorian and Tasmanian mobile numbers.
Yesterday, all Victorian residents received an SMS from the Victoria Police warning of wild weather conditions across the state. I won't get into the creepy "Big Brother" vibe I got from receiving this message - but we all got it nonetheless.
Not only did everyone in Victoria get, but so did Tasmania.
This shows the danger that untested technology can cause.
-Oh- I don't mean the state of panic that may have been caused in Tasmania, I mean the state of euphoria that may have been caused when they thought the Victoria actually cares about what happens to Tasmania.
Here is a secret - We don't!
So to the people of Tasmania:
SRY WRONG NBR - CAN U PLZ PASS THIS ON 2 NE1 U C - DNT RPLY - I H8 U - VIC
-db