It just doesn’t work people…
With the induction of instant messaging and emails into the the "normal everyday life" of people a couple of lessons have been learnt and realised by the general populace:
1. Spelling mistakes can be fixed with correction with a preceding " * ".
2. The shortening of words makes one look stupid.
3. There is no substitute for a "real" conversation
and most importantly:
4. Sarcasm and the written word just don't mix.
The introduction of emoticons into IM and email has helped quell this problem. I, however, loathe to use them but can see there use. For example:
I hate you and hope you die in a fire caused by your stupidity.
Can be softened and made almost funny when written like this:
I hate you and hope you die in a fire caused by your stupidity 
I suppose I have learned this valuable lesson the hardest and most embarrassing way possible.
Allow me to set the scene:
I was finishing high school in 2004. A month or so before graduation the "Yearbook" club had the great idea to get everyone to write down an ending for the sentence "The thing I will most remember is..." to be included in the yearbook.
My fellow students had taken the same opinion to my family when it comes to my humour. The opinion is that I don't posses any.
In order to prove them wrong I decided to think of something funny to say, so for all time I would be seen as "funny".
What I had written went a little something like this:
"The thing I would most remember is... seeing how all the bullies grew up to be nobodies"
Sigh.
When I wrote that, I said it aloud. I said it in a monotonous, dronelike voice. By the way a "monotonous, dronelike voice" is the new polite way of saying "spoken like a retarded monkey on ritalin"
The girl beside me giggled, I was going to hit on her but by this time I was already coupled with my then-girlfriend-now-fiancée.
Could you imagine my horror when reading that sentence with my name next to it come graduation day. I felt stupid, like everyone else had won - they were right, I wasn't funny.
But then I realised that this wasn't my fault, and I must get the warning out to all that would listen - sarcasm and the written word just doesn't work.
I would hope my experience would be seen as "taking one for the team" in raising awareness about this issue. I would hope no other lives be ruined by not knowing the rule.
Remember the rules and stay alive,
-db
the opinionation presents: The Podcast EP01
the opinionation presents: The Podcast EP01
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD EPISODE
In this episode Dane and Mandy aimlessly wander through whatever pops into their head. Jackson, Gervais, Masterchef, Palin and Oprah all rate a mention.
Running Time: ~25mins
Tell us what you think by visiting http://theopinionation.net/blog and commenting.
[display_podcast]
-ms and db
Robbed by Retards
As I alluded to on Twitter, on Saturday night someone entered my girlfriends car and took my wallet, her purse and GPS unit.
It's not so much that I have no access to cash and my drivers license is gone, it's more the caliber of person that stole from me.
Now, I'm not saying I'd expect a Melbourne Uni graduate to be trolling the neighborhoods and taking what they can from cars, but this particular person(s) defies any type of logic and takes the cake for "stupid thief of the year".
When we saw the car on Sunday morning they went through the mess of papers on the car floor, emptied the glove box and took every single coin from the car - but -
The neglected to take my ipod ($300) (still plugged into the FM transmitter ($80), my external HDD ($70) or my Zoom H2 recorder ($250) with Behringer monitor headphones plugged into it (~$100).
My first action was to call the credit card company and get my card canceled. I was then informed that these master criminals tried to use my credit card three times.
I expected this, but it's how they used them.
My signature isn't hard to replicate. Luckily, there wasn't very much cash left on the card so even if they tried to forge my name, they wouldn't get far.
But they didn't try to forge my signature to buy something - they tried to withdraw cash off the credit card by trying to guess my pin number.
I personally don't know the pin number of my credit card so I'd never be tempted to get the cash advance, allowing the company to ass rape me with interest charges.
It was when I found this out, that a wave of embarrassment washed over me... I was robbed by morons.
The odds of "guessing" a pin number is roughly 9984 : 1 against.
There would be more chance of the ATM malfunctioning and spitting out all it's cash then getting the pin number of a card.
I now don't want to even play the victim card... I feel ashamed... it's like admitting to being raped by a group of wheelchair bound quadriplegics.
The day a wheelchair bound quadriplegic beats me in a footrace is the day I apologize for that statement.
I now look forward to a lovely day a VicRoads trying to get my licence back.
Thank you assholes, thank you.
-db
PS. The GPS unit was on the fritz anyway SUCKA
Fire Crouch
We all have goals in life.
Some want to buy that great house by the beach, so want to travel to Botswana...I want to sleep with a red head.
Yes I know, before you start mocking me about the no souled gingers, I'm aware it's a RIDICULOUS goal.
But hey, we all have to strive for something in life right??
Now I've thought long and hard about this goal.
I've even done the math to achieve my goal...Here it is:
The population of Australia is 21,007,310 (according to Google)
The population of Victoria is 5,205,200 (according to Wiki).
Now since Victoria is the most densely populated state (which explains why the swine flu has been so rampant in this state) I'm going to make an assumption that 3.5 million people live in the greater metro area that is the 30km radius of and including the CBD.
10% of the population belongs to the GLBTI community.
I now have a population base of 350,000 to find the red head.
I'm going to make an assumption that 2% of the 10% of GLBTI people are lesbians.
That gives me a population size of 7,000
2% of the population are red headed (and this number if falling that's to the awesomeness of DOMINANTE GENES)
So that leaves me with 140 people
According to the ABS a quarter of the Victorian population is aging (over the age of 60)
So I'll generalize to my pool of red heads.
That leaves me with 105 people.
I'll also make the assumption that a quarter of the population is not of "legal consenting age"
That leaves me with 78 potential red heads.
Of the remaining 78 people, I have to remove those that fall into my "I don't date anyone younger than me" rule, and those that fall into my "10 years older MAX rule".
This brings me down to 39 red heads.
According to the ABS 75% of the population is a relationship.
This leaves me with 9 red heads.
So red headed people of Melbourne, if you look like this:
Or this:
Or this:
Give me a call....I want to touch you
However, if you look like this:
Or this:
Or this:
END YOUR LIFE NOW
-ms
Your horoscope today
My name is Mandy and I am a Leo. I don't know if this is a good thing or not...I can't say that my star sign has any significant impact on my day to day life.
I'm trying to work out how the position of the stars on the day I was born has any impact on how I live my life now.
Here is my star sign for today:
"Leo: Look, you can get ahead and you certainly have what it takes.
But the question to ask is at what cost and to what or whom?
An aggressive approach can get you what you want but others may be resentful and resent can be carried around for a long time.
So this is something to bear in mind today before you do things.
There may be some slight inner doubt or conflict tonight about your daytime activities too if you have followed the 'selfish route'.
Find a way to show your appreciation of a loved one tonight."
So basically I can get what I want, but I have to "care" about other people's feelings when obtaining...whatever it is I want to get???
Ahh...fail. I don't think that Mercury cares if I'm a bitch or not. I'm sure Venus has more important problems (like NOT BURNING OUT) then to care if I have "inner doubt or conflict".
But this is said in contrast to another "daily forecast" provided by some other Astrological douchebag.
“Leo: Never lend money to a friend even if he/she's actually in need of it and if you've the means to help him/her, otherwise you'd lose both your friend and your money.
At your work, you'd better make use of resignation and flexibility this time for the present astral ambiance will leave very little chance to those who attempt to rebel against hierarchic authority.
Avoid overestimating your strength and possibilities. Don't embark on hazy financial operations.”
So first I'm told to NOT be a bitch. Then I'm told to not lend money to friends. FYI...If you DON'T lend money to friends, especially when you have the funds...that qualifies as being a bitch!
Now I'm not going to claim I'm well versed in the knowledge of Astrology, but I am well versed in LOGIC.
1. Astronomy is a valid science. It date's back a few thousand years and was applied to day to day life. The mapping of the stars relative to the earth was used in the agriculture industry and for travel. Astronomy help humans develop the first calendar, and is the main principle behind the calendar we have now. ASTROLOGY however is not a valid science (even though it's claimed by some to be). Astrology is the study of planets positions at the time of your birth and how the movement of the stars affect your life.
2. Follow me here...I'll make sense.
I'm made up of cells. cells are comprised of atoms, atoms are comprise of protons, electrons, and neutrons. Protons etc are made of quarks and gluons,etc, and...then the possibility of string theory can be applied to see if quarks are comprised of any other matter.
Now, I'm situated in Australia, which is a land mass of Earth, which is part of the solar system, which is in the milky way galaxy, which is part of interstellar space, which again, string theory can be applied (once they get the theory down pat) to work out if there is anything beyond interstellar space.
So given the vastness of space, and the micro details of atoms, HOW ON EARTH does the position of a few planets affect my day to day life?
That's like saying the position of John Smith in England and Jane Doe in New Zealand have an impact on this turtle and how it's day is going to go:
Oh look out turtle, John Smith is entering the 4th house on the left, that means it's nothing but giant waves and douchebag friends for you today.
3. I was born with independent thought. This allows me to make decisions and then enjoy or suffer through their consequences. I don't think that the plants have any influence on the decisions I've made, or I'm going to make. I cannot utilize the planets the "plan my future" but I can utilise past experiences, experiences of others and FORE THOUGHT.
I'm trying to understand how someone can be gullible enough to believe that the planets actually influence their lives. I'm also amazed that people can turn this belief into a profession (kinda sounds like the Catholic church....Maybe Astrology should start it's own religion).
So, I was thinking about this a little more. If the stars do in fact influence my life, then my life should be the same as all other Leo’s in the world.
Let me list a few “Famous Leo’s”
- Amelia Earhart
- Mick Jagger
- Neil Armstrong
- Patrick Swayze
- Bill Clinton
Okay, I’m not a pilot…or an astronaut (am I missing something here??) Nor am I an actor or musician. I have no musical talent or acting abilities. And while I do believe I’d make a great leader of the free world…alas I am not the president. So the idea that the planets influence my life is not holding much credit with me.
What I do know is it. If I’m going to believe in Astrology I’m only going to listen to advice imparted by Weird Al. This week is in fact not a good time to “photocopy my butt and staple it to my bosses face”. Maybe next week?...
-ms
http://theopinionation.net
Dough with Palin Glaze
Earlier this month Sarah Palin shocked, dismayed and overjoyed the free world by announcing she was stepping down from her position as head clown Governor of Alaska.
Since then the whole world has been asking, will she or won't she?
Will she run for President in 2011? Won't she just go away?
And despite the answer to either question, the following question would undoubtedly be - "Why?"
I never understood the word "won't", shouldn't it be "willn't"?
Apart from the hilarious debate and speeches coming our way, does anyone actually expect she could actually win?
She has about as much chance of winning as I do becoming the Principle dancer for the New York City Ballet Company, and FYI I recently found that the greatest thing in life is donuts.
I don't know why I didn't see it before, I've always liked them but never really appreciated them.
My favorite is original glaze. I'm also fond of this one doughnut that has has chocolate "ganache" on it. To me it's just icing, but they specifically say "ganache", if someone knows what the difference is please tell me, I'm too lazy to Google it right now.
And what is the proper spelling? Donut gets the red underline in my browser and doughnut, whilst sensible just looks harsh in print.
Where was I... I have a feeling it was about a heartless shrew and or a clownish motherfu- ah yes I remember, has anyone else noticed Julia Gillard's new makeover?
Oh wait, Palin for president. Sorry about that.
Now, I as much as it seems unlikley I can see a Republican giving O-Diddy a run for his money, but there is no way in hell Palin will come close, but boy it will be fun watching.
On my YouTubing travels I came across the below video that almost made me piss my pants. It takes the worlds worst Politician and mashes them with 2009's worst song. Seriously, naming a seductive move after Helen Kellar is not as funny as it seems on paper. Enjoy:
- db
http://theopinionation.net
The Idiot and the Airwaves…
Some media outlets have labeled her "conservative", She labels herself "patriotic", but I on the other-hand like to label her "batshit crazy"
I am of course referring to Terrie-Anne Verney, a "radio personality" from NSW who has come under fire this week for her outwardly racist views and affiliations with questionable Facebook groups, such as "Fuck off - We're Full", "Australians against Multiculturalism" and "Australian Conservative United Party".
Not only are her views offensive, but also dead wrong - Australia faces a skills shortage, and sure I haven't seen Indians build anything since the Taj Mahal - but someones got to drive us home from the club at 3:30 in the morning?
As a liberal (as in philosophically, not politically... damn this country makes it hard to opinionate), I take an automatic disliking to any "conservative" group and if they are made up with members like Terrie-Anne it only confirms my own prejudices and makes my hobbie here all the more fun.
Take for example her Bio on "ScriptLance", a website that connects professionals for projects, and and before you start.... this is 100% real and unaltered:
I have been writing for many years, and am currently studying journalism.
I write regular newsletter articles for community organisations, and write advertising copy.
I work in broadcasting, at a not for profit radio station, where I am the sales manager/office assistant.
I have varied intrests and general knowledge in many fields.
I am an accurate typer and very efficent, with Australian English being my native language.
Now I am aware I am not one to poke fun a typos and bad, grammer, however, I don't claim to an "accurate typer" and "very efficiant, with Australian English"
I'm starting to feel bad as I'm typing this, it's almost like playing marco polo with Helen Keller, it's just a little cruel.
Then I change my mind because this imbecile not only has made these views very public, but is yet to even try to apologise for them.*
I'm totally stealing alot of material from other blogs for this one, but I'll leave you with some of her other quotes.
- "the “shit around their head must do something to their brain”"
- “Maybe a gun to their head might help them get the hint that they are not wanted here!”
- “If we allow the Islamic faith to continue to grow, sooner or later the Australian way of life will be destroyed”
- "I can't even imagine where we start to fix the problems caused by the introduction of this *cough cough* religion and its invasion of our society, but something needs to be done. Before its too late."
- "When Ms Verney was approached for comment over her Facebook posts, she said it was “unfortunate” patriotism was now regarded as racism."
Patriotic indeed.
I would love to debate Terry-Anne on the subject of patriotism, so Terry-Anne, if you are reading this, get in touch.
blog (at) theopinionation dot net
- db