the opinionation

resolutions are for ‘tards

OK, now all the Christmas crap is out of the way it's time to get serious.

2009 looks like it's going to be a pretty big year for the opinionation and it could be for you too!

In four days time it will be time to take a deep breath and make your new years resolution.

Personally, I have big problems with the new years resolution. The act of choosing an arbitrary date to suddenly change your life is a bigger gimmick than celebrity scents. If there is something in your life you feel you must change, waiting for the new year to change it is absolutely retarded. Like William Hung retarded. If you need to lose weight or start eating right - just do it now so you can fail at it sooner and get the whole "guilt" thing over and done with.

Alas, it seems the tradition of new year resolutions will not subside any time soon and I have taken the liberty to suggest what type of resolutions some people could and probably should make.

Remember these are only suggestions, I can not be held responsible for the catastrophic consequences these cause (so don't even try to blame me).

Resolutions for Melbournians ( that would be people from Melbourne, Australia)

• Step up and change the dates that seasons start. It doesn't get cold until late June and doesn't get hot until February, over the years the seasons have shifted and I am sick to death of people complaining on December 2nd that it's only 20 degrees. Grow a brain, or at least remove your tongue)
• Only buy copies of "The Big Issue" from the guys that look like they need the money. That's right, I'm on to you. Yes, you - the guy at Flinders Street station in the suit with the cell phone selling the Mag.
• Start Petitioning for bigger rubbish bins.
• Promise yourself you will stop eating pork rolls on the tram - not only before 9am, but forever.
• Promise you will not be surprised that the Myki System is: Overbudget, Not released, cumbersome, broken, a bad idea and all around FUBAR.
• Promise to get angry and riot when the Government start taxing you for using rain water.

Resolutions for the Rudd Government

• Instead of relegating to a comittee, how about actually making a descision.
• Chastise and aim to rid politics of Steven Conroy
• Seriously start talking about the referendum
• Grow a pair an stand up to the oil and coal industries. Go green or go home.
• Get your resumes in order.

Resolutions for Mandy

• Grow an inch.
• Bend to my will more often.
• Move closer to my house.

Resolutions for the producers of Australian Idol

• Do not run a series this year
• Failing the above - die in a fire

Resolutions for Barrack Obama

• Don't fuck up
• Consider that the Republicans only want Iran to get all war like so they fight Isreal and bring the world to an end - it's in their foreign policy book - you know, The Bible
• Kill NAFTA.

Resolutions for the Australian Media

• Stop dumbing down entertainment
• Give TV shows more than two episodes before you decide if it's worth continuing
• If you must screen US TV shows, choose the right ones.
• Abolish the ratings and non-ratings seasons. I am sick of summer TV.
• Fund and nuture independent film makers irrespective of their experience.

Resolutions for the readers of the opinionation

• Comment
• Get other people to subscribe
• Validate our existence
• Failing the above, just validate mine, my glory will trickle down to Mandy... eventually

Resolutions for people in management

• Stop being a douche
• Stop being a douche
• Treat employees with respect first, before expecting it from them
• Stop being a douche

Resolutions for the infamous "shoe thrower"

• Ask for your shoes back
• Work on your aim

Resolutions for the Secret service guy who showed up after the second shoe was thrown

• Don't take toilet breaks on duty
• Stop drinking the bong water
• Get your resume in order

Resolutions for fat people that "overspill" their one allocated seat on public transport

• Apologise to the "normal" person you are crushing
• Walk to work
• Eat less...you know...shit

Again, these are suggestions. I'm sure there are many more to add and I'd ask that if you have any please comment with your suggestions below... oh and before you even consider it:

Resolutions for Dane

• Learn to spell
• Stop thinking people care
• Reduce your level of awesomness, you're making us look bad

Again, comment below if you have anything to add, if you don't comment I'll just assume you agree with me and have finally accepted me as the visionary I am.

-db